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June 02, 2023
Porch Pirate Tries Being Slick, Winds Up Eating Fists When Homeowner Comes Home at Wrong Time
Watching bad things happen to bad people is always 10/10 content. With the rash of thievery and other villainy on the rise in Joey's America, you never quite grow tired of watching punks get their just desserts. Bonus if they're porch pirates! Thanks to doorbell cameras, it makes you feel like you're there watching live.
This poor schlub thought he was being slick, putting a plastic bag over the Amazon package. He may have gotten away with it, too, had it not been for the homeowner heading home from his afternoon walk. Shout out to Not the Bee.
We rank this video #3 on our all-time favorite porch-pirate videos. #2 takes us to wintertime in Detroit. You would think living in The D, a thief would assume the homeowner has a gun. Yet, this guy seemed surprised when the person walked out of the house with a rifle.
#1 is hands down the exploding package. For starters, a Marine rigged a package to explode. The pirate was so discombobulated, that he went back to the porch to lay down. But it's three-four words that make the winner: "I sh*t on myself."
Front porch ground and pound comes in third. But do you know what I would like to see in one of these videos? When the nogoodnik is caught and/or injured, let's see the homeowner open the package in front of them. I want to see the reaction from a guy who caught hands when he finds out he can't feel his face over a pack of underwear and some medicated foot powder.
Brodigan is Grand Poobah of this here website and when he isn't writing words about things enjoys day drinking, pro-wrestling, and country music. You can find him on the Twitter too.
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