Pat Sajak is selling more than vowels today. Here's the skinny: the Academy Awards thought they fixed their ratings nosedive by asking Kevin Hart to host their snooty show. Except Internet trolls used their pitchforks to dig up tweets from 2010. As a result of unearthing tweets that would've barely raised an eyebrow in 2010, but warrants full blown cry riots in 2018, Hart had to go (see Kevin Hart Refuses to Apologize for Old Tweets. Apologizes an Hour Later. and Nick Cannon Exposes Hollywood’s Hypocrisy on Kevin Hart).

Whatever is the Academy going to do? Show organizers need a host who has never heard of Twitter. Or ever formed words with the skin flaps on their face. Pat Sajak has an idea that, while not a cure for who is hosting the tedious ceremony, can solve the problem with the show upping the suck ante.

Brilliant! Though we made similar suggestions in our own post for the Academy: Top 5 Hosting/Performance Ideas for the Academy Awards. We'd like to see Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez link arms with Jennifer Lawrence to make red carpet gaffes. Maybe Cory Jazz Hands Spartacus Booker and Alec Baldwin can show us the best way to manhandle people. Throw in Michael She Hit Me First Avenatti to make it a party.

In the meantime, we just won't watch the Academy Awards. So many other things to do for seventeen hours. Like picking lint out of navels. Snaking a bathroom drain. Hanging upside down and strumming our lips while emitting childlike sounds. You know, important things.

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