Several years ago, Kevin Hart made jokes. People of today with no meaning in their lives found those jokes offensive. Now Kevin Hart, who was to host the Academy Awards, is sitting in the corner thinking about what he did. All those years ago. Meanwhile, the boorish trolls with no meaning in their lives are celebrating their petty behavior by popping bottles of Zima. Which leads us to a real first world problem: WHATEVER WILL THE ACADEMY AWARDS DO?! All caps because we’re acting like shit-posting losers. Get it? Below are just 5 of our ideas for what the Academy could do to make the Oscars Great Again.
ONE: Academy Awards: Hunger Games
There’s no better way to ensure sky-high ratings than to make each nominee fight for their golden statue. Here’s how I see this playing out: there’s one award on stage. Rather than a pretty person reading from a card, how about that pretty person walks out on stage, drops the statue, and tells the candidates to make a run for it. We don’t need weapons here, fisticuffs and slap boxing will do nicely. He or she who says they don’t want to see Meryl Streep hair pull Nicole Kidman is a liar. Similarly, there’s no place on earth you’d rather be than glued to a television set if you knew Leonardo DiCaprio would have to headbutt Daniel Day-Lewis. Change my mind.
TWO: Add a Category for “Most Vitriolic Anti-Trump Tirade”
The Oscars are overlong, overstuffed, overly pompous. If we had one category for how anti-Trump one could be, we could at least cut down on the length of the show by condensing the “We hate the president, lolz” to just one category. Not every single acceptance speech. Maybe celebrities would get extra creative with the category, knowing their vitriol would be more valuable to their careers. Rather than giving studio heads fellatio. Allegedly.
THREE: Nominees compete not on performance, but on victimhood status
We need judges, a scoreboard then award “victimhood points” based upon all the actors’ races, sexes, sexual preferences, and general wokeness. Whichever nominee gets the most points wins.
Imagine commentators Joe Rogan and Joy Behar: “Well folks, it looks like we have a showdown here between Will Smith and Forrest Whitaker. Both are equal on melanin content, so it all comes down to Smith’s rumored limp-wristedness vs Whitaker’s funny looking eye. It truly is a real nail-biter.” Bonus points if Joe brings a gong.
FOUR: “Best Donation to the Beto O’Rourke Campaign”
Obviously, this only applies to this year’s Oscars, but of all the Hollywood glitterati, who gave the best ass-kissing to pretty boy Beto, the now failed Texas senatorial candidate, who leftists are now setting up for a 2020 presidential front-runner? Was it Beyonce glam-hamming it up on Instagram? Or Jim Carrey’s dalliances in finger paints? TUNE IN AT NINE.
FIVE: The second hour of the Awards is simply the first Democrat 2020 debate.
Why pretend otherwise? Let’s send Kamala Harris, Cory Jazz Hands Spartacus Booker, Squaw Elizabeth 1/1024th Not Native North American Warren, and Michael She Hit Me First Avenatti to the red carpet. Since our favorite stars and starlets in Hollywood just love their political betters, why not merge the events? Heck, we can throw in a bonus segment with Alexandria Nina Pinta Santa Maria Cortez getting likability tips from Jennifer Lawerence. Tell me you wouldn’t TiVo that shit.
Do you have ideas? Leave a comment!