Progressive Wimp is Triggered by 'Mega-Pickups,' So Here's a Love Letter to Mine
Imagine going through life in fear of giant trucks rumbling and tumbling over sidewalks to mow down hapless pedestrians. But that's apparently the vacuous mind space of internet pansies and liberal wimps of 2020. Here's the quick setup: yesterday, Jessica O'Trentenbaum (The Twitter Ice Queen) sent me the following tweet with a tongue-in-cheek accusation that I was a heartless murderer:
sales of mega-pickups, which have basically been deliberately designed to intimidate and kill pedestrians, are boom… https://t.co/bAxCw6OYYE— ryan cooper (@ryan cooper) 1596464584
Mega-pickups. Deliberately designed to intimidate and kill pedestrians.
Few people love egregious hyperbole more than I do. But what kind of acid must you be tripping to actually believe that people who buy trucks — excuse me — MEGA-PICKUPS, are dropping a minimum of $60,000 for the purpose of intimidating and killing pedestrians?
Oh no, this guy isn't making a joke. "ryan cooper" is super-charged serious about his disdain for the powertrain.
hundreds of conservatives here doing their best to demonstrate that yes, huge trucks are about postmodern culture w… https://t.co/CZSoB7sQDv— ryan cooper (@ryan cooper) 1596478180
Firstly, let me say that the highlighted portion in the second image there is followed by an unhighlighted portion which reads "While IIHS studied SUVs and not pickups..."
So there's that.
But sure, the frontend of trucks are, like, super scary looking. As is the pistol grip on an all black AR-15. There's something about that handrail on the AR-15 that also sends the lefty wimps into crying fits of boo-hoo, much the same way our liberal here is having the shakes over anyone wanting a MEGA-PICKUP that houses anything heftier than a 4 cylinder engine.
Rare are the occasions I delve into the personal on this site. But I happen to be a proud owner of a MEGA-PICKUP. I purchased my MEGA-PICKUP in the late spring of 2018. I needed my behemoth to possess a diesel engine, four-wheel drive, a long box, and a big ass grill to obliterate lazy foot-travelers who dared draw my ire. I wanted all who looked upon my truck to quiver in fear if not soil their underpanties. The instant I put key to ignition, pedestrians within a thirty mile radius dove for cover. The simple application of foot to gas pedal extinguished the life force that animated their fleshy bodies.
FOR I AM COURTNEY, GODDESS OF THE GILDED CHROMED GRILL. SCATTER OR BE SPLATTERED, YOU WEAKLING PEASANTS.
My one regret is that I didn't go ahead and equip my heavy duty MEGA-PICKUP with the bagger attachment that catches the limbs of freshly-mowed pedestrians.
And to think I just stopped at the running boards and all weather mats. Rookie mistake.
In all seriousness, okay? It's not that I wanted a truck that scared the poo out of liberals. It's not that I needed a truck with a massive hood and grill that could roll over street rioters with nary a bump in the ride. I wasn't seeking a vehicle which physically manifested my love of "post-modern war culture." Those are just added bonuses.
I actually needed a reliable vehicle that would safely tow my horse trailer, and the precious cargo inside, SuperMare, hundreds of miles at a time. Since we're here, sharing and talking about our truck feelings, if in the towing of SuperMare to destinations wild and wandering, we happen to come upon "pedestrians" who're frolicking in the streets throwing molotov cocktails at innocent people on the highways, you best be believing I'm going to do everything I can to transform my MEGA-PICKUP into a war machine. Because I have a sneaking suspicion this sudden maligning of MEGA-PICKUPS is a direct result of "peaceful protesters" trying to get their social justice games going against cars with a little more power than a Nissan Leaf. Only to be squish squashed.
Fair warning to all those rioters occupying freeways where they don't belong: your chants accompanied by your hammering fists, your screaming faces, and aggressive bodies probably cannot withstand the raw power of the Duramax. Let me put it into a rhyme so you truck-attacking rioters intent on harming my horse might better understand:
My truck be large.
My truck be strong.
But run in its way,
And you be gone.
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