We had a tough time nailing down a title for this story. It was a case of "too many ideas mocking morons, not enough digital space" kind of scenario. The opposite of these people's mental capacity.

Survival of the "smartist" will determine who wins arguments around the table this Thanksgiving. That is if you're dumb enough to engage in them. Survival of the fittest will determine who among us will physically survive till Christmas. That's the segue to this story. Police in a Maine community felt the need to hinder evolution by warning people not to eat turkeys. Out of the garbage.

Just let them die:

Police have a very important warning ahead of Thanksgiving: Do not eat the turkeys you found behind Hannaford.

Police said several turkeys were taken out to the dumpster behind the Falmouth location. The turkeys thawed due to a mechanical failure and were thrown out, police said.

Someone took the turkeys out of the dumpster and is possibly distributing them, police said.

"It’s not a good idea, it’s a very bad idea. These turkeys were discarded because they were a hazard to consume," police wrote on Facebook. "If anyone had acquired a bird from some non-conventional manner from someone you don’t know, discard and replace it."

Okay. Setting aside you shouldn't take food from random strangers, let's get to the obvious questions. Firstly, who noticed the turkeys were missing? Is there a matriarchal figure with a clipboard going through dumpsters to account for garbage meat?

Secondly, why were the police alerted? Whatever happened to nature taking its course? People who take suspicious turkeys from suspicious people are just biding their time. Some soft-hearted ninny will accuse us of being heartless for daring to pose the question. Other than "how dare you state something we're all thinking!" how else are we supposed to evaluate the need to warn people about dumpster birds being health hazards?

If people were dumpster diving for eclairs, that's one thing. But formerly frozen turkeys? Not worth it. I don't care if you stuff it with Twix bars. The bird will feed a family of hungry rats. If you're so desperate for white meat, head on over to Denny's. Or deal with the evolutionary consequences of awful decisions.

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