Many people find themselves yearning for simpler times, when we were told that leaving the house would literally kill grandma. Ah yes, the days when COVID-19 was a thing (see COVID SHUTDOWN COULD LEAD TO MASSIVE 'DEATHS OF DESPAIR' and NEW JERSEY TEACHER HOPES THESE STUDENTS DIE OF COVID-19). Social distancing and all that. Seems like such a quaint time. A bygone era that some researchers are trying to hold on to with a study that says in order to practice the safest of sex, you should wear a mask.

The research, published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, ranked frisky situations based on how likely it is to catch coronavirus while in the act. Researchers recommend wearing a mask for the riskiest sexual scenario: Sex with people other than those with whom one is quarantined.

If you have an out-of-house coronavirus crush, the study says — besides keeping your mask on — you should avoid kissing, any oral-to-anal act and anything else that involves semen or urine. Shower before and after, and clean the space with alcohol wipes or soap.

Basically, you should avoid all the fun things. Though showering after could be fun too. Also, here is a clip of the researchers in question:

Here's the thing. Let's say the social distancing guidelines were all legit and sciency. We know they aren't, just because ... riots and protests. But let's say they are. If you are sneaking out of your house to get some ass, like, say, COVID forefather Neil Ferugson, I doubt you care about whether or not you're going catch 'rona.

Like, how does this conversation happen? You show up at side chick's house with a bottle of sauvignon blanc or a variety pack of White Claw. Talk for a little. Recap the day's news and complain about that other woman in the building who actually takes her kids to the park outside. Then you make you move. It's time for the sexmaking. You turn to your dame and say, "Here. Put the mask on." Way to ruin the mood. Also, let's be honest, the mouth is a very valuable tool when it comes to making sex. Certain things that can be performed are made more difficult wearing a piece of cloth made to prevent penetration. And contrarary to what Fat Amy thinks, that was an excellent use of the word "penetrate."

They really are just giving away money for anything that has the word COVID on it.

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