Riddle me this: if climate alarmists are as petrified about man-made climate change as they seem based on the hyperbolic language used in this accidentally hilarious article from Wired.com, then why oh why do any of them have retirement plans? If they really believe the Earth is burning and ecosystems are dropping like fat feminists after running a mile (or just upstairs), then how can any of them seriously go about their day? Read these pulled snippets from Mark Simon's article on Wired titled "California's Wildfires are the Doom of Our Own Making" and let me know.

After first comparing what alarmists collectively refer to as a "climate crisis" to World War II, landing on the moon, and tearing down the Berlin Wall, then marinating the sentiment in the language of breathless catastrophe, Mark Simon peppers in just a dash of truth with his Texan sized helping of drama:

The result is what fire historian Steve Pyne calls the Pyrocene: climate change and land misuse conspiring to create a unique period in Earth and human history, a sort of Ice Age, but with flames.

Ooooooh, the Pyrocene! "An Ice Age, but with flames!" RUN FOR YOUR LIVES ALL YE CALIFORNIANS SQUEEZED BY HIGH COST OF LIVING, SEVENTEEN THOUSAND LAYERS OF GOVERNMENT BUREAUCRACY, AND STIFLING TAXES. THE FLAMES OF CLIMATE CHANGE, OH HOW THEY BURNETH!

...except the truth probably lies more in the quiet admission that maybe "land misuse" plays a role in California lighting up like one of The Rolling Stones.

Because ackshually, California goes up in flames all the time. The state goes through droughts frequently, hence the need to dam rivers to create reservoirs in order for California to maintain the luxury of drinking water and flushing toilets when the rain dries up. This El Nino and La Nina cycle is just part of California and has been for a long time. Possibly forever. More on that little truth nugget in just a jiffy. First, let's throw more gas on this melodrama.

History will remember the burning of California as a generation-defining crisis, nestled within the species-defining crisis that is climate change. California is being squeezed from both sides, with wildfires in the east and rising seas in the west. The state is in a palpable state of shock, flailing with stop-gap solutions like cutting off power to millions of people because Pacific Gas & Electric Company’s equipment won’t stop lighting fires.

Wait, what now? A power company is starting fires? Doesn't that seem a little relevant to the problem here? Is this a case of "land misuse" or "some asswipes in control of some electrical stuff" kind of a deal?

It never had to come to this. Native peoples in California maintained a healthy relationship with fire—they, of course, didn’t have a capacity to fight natural fires, whereas today we quickly extinguish those blazes to save lives, leading to a buildup of brush that forms one giant tinder box. They also intentionally set fires, harnessing the restorative power of flames to reset ecosystems to feed themselves.

There it is. Native peoples who lived in California hundreds of years ago dealt with the dry California weather and natural wildfires. Long close-minded white men voted for climate-denying Republicans. Even the indigenous peoples knew how to manage the land by allowing smaller fires to clear the forest of dead flora, then taking a cue from nature, even initiated controlled burns.

Now we have weed-huffing hippies who can't stand the idea that a twig might get swept up in a mean little fire. We have too many idiots who stop anything whatsoever from besotting Mother Nature's perfect forest floor, filled with dried leaves, dried needles (pine needles, not heroin needles, forests are not San Francisco), and deadwood. So instead we're blaming the fires on climate change. When really we should place most of the blame on tree-hugging morons.

Also, you know, the power company:

But we can certainly point fingers at those responsible for the scale of this mess, chief among them PG&E, whose equipment sparked 17 major fires in 2017 alone.

PG&E started the Kincade fire, which is happening right now. Pacific Gas & Electric, you understand, not some Californians' refusal to use recyclable totes. A power company has now sparked an admitted 18 fires in two years. Not those selfish, greedy pricks who insist on drinking water from bottles that keep getting sold to them. A power company!

Even though the Wired.com article admits land misuse and a power company are a huge factor in California putting so much smoke into the atmosphere, the article ends not with a whimper but a bang:

California is being squeezed by uber-wildfires and rising seas—climate change’s twin agents of chaos. Somehow saving the state—all of its people, especially the poor who need help the most—will be this generation’s moon landing.

Rising seas. Uber wildfires. Twin agents of chaos. Not idiots operating electricity or government dummies setting land use agendas. No, no, twin agents of climate chaos.

Ask me again why it's near impossible to take these drama queens seriously.

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