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SHIELD YOUR EYES! Amy Schumer to Star in Live Action 'Barbie' Movie
Donald Trump hasn't even been sworn in, and already America is great again. Why? Amy Schumer is staring in a live-action Barbie movie! Yes, Barbie as in the unrealistically skinny doll that feminists hate. And Amy Schumer as in Pompous Amy Schumer Tries Shaming You into Voting Hillary and Leftists Turn on Darling Amy Schumer for ‘Racist’ Parody Video. A Barbie movie staring Amy Schumer. This is coming to a theater near all of us.
I'm not one for hyperbole, but this is already sounding like the greatest movie ever made...
Amy Schumer is in early talks to star in Sony’s live-action “Barbie” film, sources tell Variety.
The original idea and screenplay is by Hilary Winston, although it is expected that Schumer and her sister, Kim Caramele, will rewrite.
The story is in the vein of “Splash”, “Enchanted” and “Big.” In it, the main character gets kicked out of Barbieland for not being perfect enough and lands in a real-world adventure
Wait, I'm sorry. I don't think I read that right. Amy Schumer is rewriting the script?
If there is one thing America needs, it's a culture war over Barbie, especially seeing how well the culture war worked out for leftists with lady Ghosbusters. But better is that Un-Barbie-Like Amy Schumer will headline this film classic. Heading to a two dollar DVD bin in a Walmart near you. Dressed in plastic, it's fantastic. It's the hot pink cherry on top of Ken that Amy is penning some of the comedy herself. I'm just wondering who will play Skipper. Or if Ken's going to pull up in a super hot pink convertible. Perhaps Ken will be a butch-cutted lesbian. For progress's sake.
Another question: Will Amy Barbie Schumer's many hot pink accessories be a hot pink dildo? Asking for a friend.
And you know we're going to read think piece after think piece rehashing every problem feminists have had with Barbie since the 70s. A plastic doll with super long legs and perpetual eye-make up? Problematic. As is Barbie's bald spot, since her hair is only at the base of the skull and top of the head. Not in the middle. At least the Barbies of the nineties. Such unrealistic beauty standards.
The plastic doll will be the new measuring stick to determine if you are woke enough to rent an apartment in Park Slope.
Oh my gawd, I can't wait!