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August 20, 2021
Science! Masked College Students Line Up ... to Remove Masks and Drink from the Same Water Fountain
The University of North Carolina is offering a brand-new degree for students this year. Mask Theatre Arts. It's a niche degree that goes along with a minor in "The Science." You see, Joe Biden says everyone should wear a mask to protect them from the 'rona. Even though, there is little data that says your store-bought mask actually protects you from the 'rona. But far be it from colleges to stray from liberal orthodoxy. UNC-Chapel Hill demands all students wear masks outdoors. Masks that they can then remove to drink from the same water fountain. Because science!
Some of you are probably asking, "But Brodigan, why are so many college students lined up to drink from a fountain? Does it dispense White Claws?" Besides the fact that Claws are old and busted and High Noons are the new hotness, no. It's just water. There is a time-honored tradition for students at UNC take that first sip of water. It doesn't make any sense to me either. I'm also someone who didn't take out unaffordable college loans and opted for community college and a state college instead. And I'm in a career that didn't exist when I went to college. But we're not here to make fun of college. We're here to make fun of "the science."
The college that is making students wear masks outside to protect them from germs tweeted out photos of students removing those masks to DRINK FROM THE SAME GERM-INFESTED WATER FOUNTAIN! Unless there is an off-camera volunteer hosing down the foundation with Purell after every sip, it just lends more evidence to masks being for theatre.
If people were really worried about catching the Delta, the Lamda Lamda Lamda, or the Kenny Omega variant, they'd be less concerned with breathing air and more concerned with swapping spit. I'd like to think some of them would be smarter to remove their masks when they swap spit the more enjoyable way, but I have my doubts.
Welcome to UNC-Chapel Hill. Whatever you do, DON'T major in "the science" or public relations. The school sucks at both.
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