America is America because the United Kingdom's government was, and still is, a dumpster fire fueled with rancid bangers, currant-filled desserts, and so many restrictions on personal freedom even Lucius Malfoy is aghast. If I could, I ship a containers full of socks Britain's way.

Below is an actual tweet from an actual police department in the Olde Country. Shocking to no one from the UK (see Authorities Investigating a “Bacon Hate Crime” Outside a Mosque. Yes, Really… and Cookie Monster is the Spokesman for Knife Control in England). First, the bobbies want you to snitch anytime there's a "hate crime." But don't stop there.

Please report "non-crime hate incidents." First, I volunteer this entire website as tribute to the reporting cause. If someone in the UK could send this url to the South Yorkshire police, I'd appreciate it. For I have personally insulted the sucky UK government every possible chance I've gotten. I walk back zero.

Lemme clarify a point. I'm not against the people of the United Kingdom. My heart breaks for the oppression under which you fine, cultured people live. Though again I say, America is a thing because your government blows chunks of bread and butter pudding. Which is the proper way to "enjoy" that dessert.

Just what is a "non-crime hate incident" I wonder. So, like, if I were to tell a Ringer (Lord of the Rings fan) the Peter Jackson films were far better than any of the tediously long novels, would I be reported as a criminal? What if I said "I can't find a single decent meal in all of London, this city is shite," would I be reported? Maybe just "The monarchy is outdated and overrated, change my mind" would do the trick. Or do I just need to ask for a pair of scissors? Not sure where y'all line up on the cutting devices these days. What with all the knife control. Read also Cookie Monster is the Spokesman for Knife Control in England.

The United Kingdom has a lot of problems. Heck, no country is without its issues. But a police department cracking down on "non-crime hate incidents" seems like a misplacing of resources. Plus, if you want the Yankees to stop making fun of your country's government, though we have a rich history of doing just that, y'all need to change some leadership. Less touchy feely "he hurt my feelings" more Winston Churchill arse-kicking. Politeness is fine, but these laws are getting sillier by the day.

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