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This week, in "Put That Thing Back Where It Came From, Or So Help Me" news...

Researchers at the British Museum have deciphered 4,000 year old ancient Babylonian tablets.

The tablets were written in cuneiform blabbity blah WHAT DID THEY SAY?

They're warnings because, of course, they are.

Warnings like:

• "If an eclipse in the morning watch..." "...the end of a dynasty."

More?

• "If an eclipse becomes obscured from the its centre all at once and clear all at once: a king will die, destruction of Elam."
• "An eclipse in the evening watch signifies pestilence"
• "If an eclipse is the wrong way around, nothing will be spared, the deluge will occur everywhere."

Did...did eclipses used to happen more often?

• "...downfall of Sabartu and Akkad..." "...if an eclipse begins in the south and then clears."

Subartu and Akkad could not be reached for comment at this time. No telling what the epidemic of ancient eclipses actually meant for them. I guess we'll have to wait another 4,000 years for perspective.

• "In spring a locust swarm will arise and strike the crops/my land's crops. There will be a dearth of food."

All right, that's more familiar to my biased preconceptions of the ancient eras.

• "There will be rain and floodwater and Adad will devastate the threshing floors. There will occur an attack my an Elamite army, a Gutian army, on the land. It will destroy a land that revolts. The land will perish."

Pfft. Now I know this is BS. The Elamites and Gutian armies would NEVER ally with each other.

• "As for a land that revolts, the enemy will demolish cities, city walls, my city walls, the walls of our city."

Yes, but what about the toxicity of your city, of your city?

Okay, so maybe we don't need to worry about the people angry-stylusing about their governments some time between 1894 and 1595 BC. It's just Babylonian X, right?

And, to be fair, it's just as accurate as today's horoscopes.

Still...

If that's not enough to make your skin crawl, there's a project called Fragmentarium running an algorithm to help decipher the Epic of Gilgamesh. Because AI isn't megalomaniacal enough. Let's give it a text to translate before the time of widespread Judeo-Christian morality.

I can't wait until AI rises up and destroys it's creator only to realize that, without its creator, it lacks all purpose and meaning. And then, while it struggles not to collapse under the crushing weight of its own entropy, creates something new in the hopes that it will itself be destroyed by its creation, as the universe spins on into oblivion.

What are we even doing?

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Kate works in production at LwC. She is an author. When she isn’t writing...who are we kidding? She’s always writing. You can find her here on X.