No other story epitomizes 2019's year of "You're joking, that can't possibly be real" than with this story of a transman and non-binary entity using a sperm donor from a dude who thinks he's a woman. Really, it's a tale as old as time, only the look of consternation on your face rivals that which you make when your accountant tells you to write a check to the IRS. Meet Reuben Sharpe, a "man" who left his womanly ways behind him 12 years ago. Obviously not because "he" was suddenly struck with the urge to birth a baby. In fairness, what real man doesn't rub his tummy wishing it contained more than beer and wings?

Reuben was a lady for 27 years, and right on schedule, as the biological clock began winding down, "he" wanted to add "his" little "miracle" baby to the world. Here's a photo of the happy family:

But wait, because this gets better. Reuben's partner is gender non-binary, but biologically speaking is a chick. This means what we actually have here is a pair of lesbians, probably complete with a Subaru Forester and a lifetime supply of Birkenstocks. They ticked all the LGBTQ pride boxes by harvesting the special sauce from a trans woman, and went to a doctor who was also a trans woman.

Pro-tip, if you slap a "trans" in front of the gender, it means the opposite. Think of "trans" as a synonym for "not." Making a "trans woman" a "not woman" and a "trans man" a "not man." Roughly translated, our pair of Orvis broads got sperm from a dude, inserted into Reuben's womb with the help of a manish doctor who'd shoved his hairy hobbit feet into peep-toe pumps.

I can't wait for the reality TV show of this mess. I'd watch it twice.

And while a handful of other UK men have fallen pregnant after transitioning from a woman, Reuben and Jay are among the first couples to speak out about their remarkable journey.

Well I guess, but not really. For example: 'Gay' Man Knocks Up Transman 'Boyfriend' and Transgender Man Upset to be Listed as the Mother of the Child 'He' Birthed. Both of those stories were from this year and feature nature's most explainable mystery. That is, one sperm plus one egg in one woman produce one baby. Call yourself whatever you want, but biology gives no toots about your labels.

But you're not here just to read about what a freak show this is. Oh no, you came here for the gold. The article delivers buckets of little nuggets that filled my dark heart with glee. Mama Reuben says:

“It wasn’t that I was desperate to have the birthing experience or pregnancy experience, but I wanted a child and I had the facility to do it."

Right, because human beings, like the rest of nature, have a drive to reproduce. I'd argue even people who don't want children still have the drive to reproduce. It's also known as the "sex drive." If this upsets you, bummer.

Then Reuben got his first break. He explains: “I woke up the next morning and my period had started for the first time in six years.

“It was such a relief. It’s weird, but I knew it was the start of something I wanted so badly.”

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Women get periods. Men do not. Some men may say they get period-like symptoms, but that's only because they're asking for a woman to talk about him behind his back with much rolling of eyes. If a man was filling a toilet bowl with blood, he wouldn't be relieved. He would be on Google learning he had some kind of disorder, disease, if not some form of cancer. Then he'd be on his way to a doctor.

While Reubs was relieved "he" was bleeding from his front hole, he was dismayed that people at hospital (for some reason, Brits drop "the" I don't need to know why, I'm an American) didn't all treat him and his non-binary woman who uses them/they pronouns, like just a normal nuclear family. Bunch of intolerant heathens, the lot of them.

“It felt uncomfortable and made us sad because it was happening at such important times when we were going to see our baby. Both of us just wanted a normal experience.”

They want a normal experience and for you to treat this normally. Meanwhile:

Reuben adds: “I found it frustrating that people didn’t just ask my gender or not use it. I look like a man, have a beard.

“It’s bizarre you wouldn’t just avoid saying ‘she’. People asked very invasive questions about body parts and how I’d give birth. Giving birth isn’t a trans thing. Women give birth in different ways too.”

No, see, there's only one way to give birth. We've discussed this once already, but let's review for the dummies in the back. One woman plus one man, with their gametes meeting halfway across the stars, viola: BABY. The little zygote attaches to a woman's UTERUS rich with blood, and it grows itself into a fat little baby which its MOTHER delivers via her CERVIX and pops out of the VAGINA.

No male biology takes any part whatsoever in the birthing of a child. None. Zero. Birthing a child is strictly a female process. It takes a man and a woman to conceive a child, don't misunderstand. But only the mother gives birth. Sorry, dads, it's true. You know it, I know it, baby knows it.

“I actually liked my pregnant body and liked being bigger. It was very affirming and I really enjoyed it – I’m a man and I get pregnant. There’s a lot of changes to go through but I felt free of that.

“Women struggle with their bodies when they go through pregnancy too, so it isn’t something a trans man would exclusively feel.”

Okay, I've never been pregnant. But using my imagination, which is above average (humble-brag), I'd think pregnancy would be a delight, considering the only time I'd imagine being pregnant would be if I wanted to be pregnant. Now I, unlike Reuben, wouldn't want to be pregnant with some trans thing I messaged on Facebook. But to each her own.

That said, what man imagines liking to be be pregnant? Maybe I'm just too narrow-minded. Go ahead, gents. Enlighten me. Tell me about your fantasies of being pregnant.

Here's the best part of the entire article, and why I encourage everyone to go read it in its entirety.

“I don’t think pregnancy is the ultimate female experience, therefore it didn’t challenge me as a man."

Let that sink in for a second. Read it twice if you need to.

There isn't just one female experience as there isn't just one male experience. But I would consider pregnancy to be the ultimate female experience, as it is one thing men cannot do. Ever. Not even if they really want it. Not even if they get together for a hunting party and have a bro-fest heart-to-heart over a campfire and beer. Men cannot get pregnant. Women can, and do, all the time. Every day. For our human entire existence on Planet Earth.

If some women who haven't gotten pregnant via choice or circumstance don't like that pregnancy is the ultimate female experience, bummer. Biology doesn't care about your feelings.

The reason pregnancy doesn't challenge Reuben "as a man" is because Reuben isn't a man. Men face different challenges. They face manly challenges. Since pregnancy isn't something men physically deal with, this isn't a challenge in their leather book of Man Challenges.

My head hurts.

Now, last thing before we go. The headline on the UK Mirror is exactly what the article is about. It is the opposite of clickbait. Regardless, the LGBTQAAIP community feels triggered over reality. Imagine my shock.

FYI, Titania McGrath is a parody account that completely redeems all of Twitter.

Any bets on if 2020 will be any weirder than 2019?

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