Justin Bieber's 'Memoir' -- Chapter 1: The Bad Boy Soldier
The following is a parody of the first chapter of Justin Bieber's memoir by writer and comedian Steven Crowder...
I remember the first day my manager took me to “Lids.” I bought 8 baseball caps. When I got home my mom had already grabbed one and curved the bill. It really bothers me when she does things without asking. It’s like she doesn’t respect me as a man. Plus, I don’t like curved bills on hats. The bill needs to be completely straight.
My manager tells me that when I wear straight-billed hats, it makes me look hard. I think it does too, especially when my bangs come out from under the hat, I look like a bit of a badboy. But not really a badboy like someone from Detroit, more like A.J. from the Backstreet Boys. But mom won’t let me get the nose piercings that AJ had. She just doesn’t understand that I’m an artist.
Anyway, I remember that same day I had a show to do in Schenectady, New York. On the way to the venue I wanted to get some Quizno’s but mom stopped at Taco Bell. I don’t like Taco Bell very much and it upsets my stomach before the show. I felt like I was going to throw up during “Baby, Baby” but I managed to push through it.
When I do things like that, I feel like a soldier. Soldiers go through some hard stuff in war, and so do I onstage, so I think we’re a lot alike. I actually wanted to go perform in Iraq for the troops but my manager said that they couldn’t get enough security for me. He told me that it was better for me to stick to my core audience.
I wanted to go clubbing after the show, because Schenectady is a crazy town for night-life, but my mom felt bad about getting me Taco Bell, so she took me to Chili’s for their chocolate lava cake. OMG it was sooo good. When I was eating it I realized, that this was the first of many chocolate lava cakes at many Chili’s, for many years to come…
-- Justin Bieber
Originally posted on FoxNews.com