The shamefest never ceases. First they went after straight characters. Then it was romantic comedies (see Feminists Now Raging over Romantic Comedies). Now whiny leftist manatees have set their beady-eyed sights on a new target: Hollywood boob armor. As in the garments worn by fictional female characters in made up stories. Boob protection. It's the new feminist cause.

2018, everybody.

Hollywood doesn’t know what to do with boobs in armor. Historically, armor for women wasn’t glamorous.

I beg to differ. Hollywood costume designers know exactly what to do with boobs in armor. Accentuate the positive. Allow them room to do what they do best: look hot. We're talking bewbage, not elbows.

Secondly, we're still on the subject of movies, yes? Where dragons, magic and constantly perfect hair/full faces of makeup are a thing. Remember Man of Steel wherein Superman flies about at speeds so fast you got sea sick? Despite him reaching mach 11, his black coif was perfect. Where were the hair-shaming think pieces, I ask you.

The subject at hand isn't historic documentaries about ancient civilizations. Right? Right.

Lady Sif (Jaimie Alexander) is as good of a fighter as any man. That’s a pretty admirable feat, especially considering her armor also doesn’t make sense. One iteration looks like a metal version of a Renaissance Faire underbust bodice; the metal pushes her chest upward, but doesn’t cover it. The other covers more but features a sculpted chest. But here’s the problem with both of Lady Sif’s armor designs: She would be killed by a fall is she actually wore these into battle, as the metal used to separate her breasts could fracture her breastbone if she fell forward, severely weakening the warrior.

Realistically, as a lady with breasticles (note that byline), I can speak to the importance of molded garments when it comes to ease of movement. Which, you know, would be pretty important for anyone who likes to move. Or breathe without the weight of a non-convex chest plate crushing your twin titans.

Look ladies, I get it. You're confused. Discomboobulated. All because the armor "doesn't make sense." So let's go down this rabbit hole and remedy all the things which don't make sense in movies. Starting with 90-pound women who are physically unstoppable forces of danger.

Sorry, but Scarlett Johansson kicking the crap out of twenty armed men?

Focus on the female body in movies can be gratuitous, yes, and we can certainly talk about it. But that's not even the point this chick is arguing. Observe.

There are the depictions of warriors like Valkyrie and Lady Sif in Marvel’s Thor franchise. Both have problematic costumes that make no sense other than to highlight that each possesses a worthy Asgardian pair of knockers.

To be clear, this isn’t a call for modesty. This is a call for Hollywood to have more realistic depictions of female warriors. and more creativity in their designs.

After all, a hero is not defined by her breasts, so her breasts don’t need to be defined.

This is what thought purgatory looks like. At this point it seems like feminists are just stringing random words into nonsense sentences. Specifically, don't make hot ladies look hotter by focusing on her bodacious ta-tas.

I don't remember the feminists complaining about the accentuation of broad shoulders or chiseled abs of male superheroes. Perhaps I missed that volume of Hairy Harpy Quarterly. But kind of seems to me ladies and gentlemen in action movies are purposefully hotter than seven suns in a bottle.

Did feminists or meninists complain about the above? Show me.

They say there's lots of different creative processes when it comes to writing. One gets the sneaking suspicion this writer opted to start her article by stuffing herself silly with a spicy meal. Then squatted over her keyboard and let loose. Feminist think piece or shart confetti? I can't spot the difference.

Finally, actresses are perfectly content prancing about in mammary-shaping outerwear. Nobody is being forced. No women's rights have been smashed by feminine breastplates. Why feminists launch such complaints from their squawk cannons, I couldn't tell you. The reason evades me. It does nothing more than highlight the bitterness they have toward all the things. Especially, it seems, toward hot ladies.

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