Dear Elizabeth “Beer Me” Warren,
My apologies. Here I’ve written not one, but three open letters to the eternally squawking chatter box Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, but not one to you, Elizabeth Cheiftess Warren of the 1/1024th possibly South American Native Heritage. You’d think with all the gems of cringe you’ve foisted upon us like a toddler’s stick art, I’d have addressed your whiny self sooner. May this open letter make amends for my clear oversight. It’s just, heretofore, you’ve left me making a facial expression not unlike one I make while staring at the large envelope sent to me months ago by my accountant. Still unopened. Damn it.
But hey, progress, you broke through my casually perturbed indifference last night, when you suggested we retire the Electoral College. Which I’ve already said is a stupid idea, not least of all because the Electoral College protects the American people from power hungry booger bottles like yourself. For all that and more, go read Top Five Reasons We NEED the Electoral College.
Look, I understand one has to break from the herd somehow in a stampede of mostly mediocre candidates, where the most popular is the old gaffe machine who hasn’t even announced, followed closely by a man who wars with shower implements. Seems all the other candidates have their brand dialed in. Cory Booker is the cray cray vegan with the long spirit fingers and uncanny ability to meme his frowny face; Kamala Harris is the skank from California; Beto O’Rourke’s gesticulating hands may be how we solve the energy crisis; and you’re the white lady who culturally appropriated a race of people just to get ahead. What better way to make a name for yourself than continue to disenfranchise people while saying you’re doing the exact opposite? It’s almost like you have an honesty problem.
Wait a second, I think I just hit the target with the tomahawk. You’re dishonest. Oh sure, as a politician, dishonesty comes standard. You have to lie in order to be in DC, probably. Note that I’m not even making exceptions for most Republicans here.
It’s just the style in which you lie, Lizzy dear. It’s so bad. I really don’t want to talk about the video with the beer, but if you insist. Have you even been to someone else’s house before? Do you even know how to beer? Look it, I don’t know how to beer. I’m just learning how to wine. But one thing I don’t do is set up my phone in my kitchen, wait for a prop to come walking in as if cued by a director off screen, and ask “You want a beer?” in order to appear authentic. Girl, just no.
Hillary Clinton was inauthentic. But she gave us great lines like “with a cloth or something” and the classic “what difference, at this point, does it make.” We could all secretly but not secretly wonder if she and Huma were sexting weird messages to each other. She even had her own sense of style: picnic tablecloths sewed into tents, sold for thousands of dollars. Hillary was, is, and forever shall be terrible. Or maybe that’s deplorable. But she was dynamic about it. She drew emotions from us like a vampire sucks blood from its unwilling victims. I’m speaking of the classic vampires, not the sparkling, angsty, misunderstood ones that someone needs to drive a stake through, stat.
You, Elizabeth Warren, do not have the emotional disgust levels of Hillary Clinton. Say what you want about that cold-hearted witch with a b who killed some people, but she made an impression.
The only impression you leave in me is a desire for ear plugs. I swear, you need to hire a speech coach. No, this is not a “because you’re a woman thing.” It’s because you’re annoying. This coming from someone who’s watched countless videos of valley girl gum-smacker Alex from the Bronx, with a giddy smile on her face. That girl knows how to brand herself.
You’re just a phony fraud. I know the phrase sounds redundant, but it’s the best I can do for someone as bland as you are. Now don’t get me wrong, blandness doesn’t disqualify you from office or even running for president. I’m one of the few Millennials who gives no craps about a dynamic personality sitting in the Oval Office. The president is supposed to run the country, not host a kegger at the block party.
But you’re not even that bright. Here’s video evidence of you saying there are two branches of government. Even Alexandria knew there were three, she just gaffed and called them “chambers.” Then there was all the lying about being an American Indian, and believing the rest of America was dumb enough to fall for your DNA results, which you published yourself. The same DNA results which showed you’re whiter than the whipping cream I put into my afternoon coffee.
So where do we go from here, cheekbones? Well nowhere, honestly. Unless something terrible befalls the thirty-seven million thousand hundred and seventeen other Democrats running for president, there’s no way you’re getting on a debate stage with Donald Trump. I just don’t see the DNC allowing him the opportunity to mock your heritage, to mock your lying about your heritage, to mock you and all you are for months leading up to an election. You’re personally my top choice, just for the Trump jokes, I’ll admit it. But you haven’t got the X-factor, honey. If you did, you wouldn’t have spent your entire life trying to live a lie, taking on an identity which was never yours to begin with.