Dear Socialist Barbie,
Congratulations on your quick rise to political success. In a world full of stuffy old codgers spouting nothing but focus-grouped talking points, you came in like a wrecking ball. A Prada-pump, Armani suit-wearing, wide-eyed wrecking ball. Based on some of your delicious tweets, you seem to think criticism of you stems from your fashionable penchant, your racial heritage, or your reproductive wonders down under.
Allow me to address each assertion.
Sure, sure, there are plenty of people who’ll take aim at your pricy wardrobe, considering you’re a socialist champion for the working class, who rocks those four-figure business suits. But what Venezuelan slumlord doesn’t have a direct line to Versace?
Yes, I suppose even in our current cultural climate where any whiff of racism is stamped out by the social media Gestapo, there may be a few errant racists who have a problem with your caramel macchiato skin tone. Personally, I think it’s lovely. Were I a woman of color, that color would be “uncooked chicken skin.” It’s winter.
Then as advanced as much of our culture claims to be, there are still plenty of sexists lurking about, sharing all their opinions on what women should be, what women should do, how women should behave, what their ideal body type is, when and how they should smile, et cetera, et cetera, lather, rinse and get left-swiped. So yes, it’s possible some of the hate you’re receiving is due to being a girl.
But let me reassure you, most of the criticism thrown your way from right-wing sites such as ours has nothing to do with your racial makeup or gender identification. No, we make fun of you because it’s painful not to. We start each day saying “We really need to choose our Cortez criticism carefully” only for you to come out blindfolded, swinging at logic with Hillary’s first model broomstick.
Last Friday, you threatened Donald Trump Jr., who mocked you with a meme, by donning your best mobster impression and threatening him with a subpoena. All for the crime of jabbing you online. Which is rather a big boo-boo no-no. Governmental thugs flexing their muscle to intimidate political enemies was one of the reasons we flipped our finest middle digits to the controlling Brits, thus becoming the glorious nation of America. A fact an incoming Congresswoman should know.
Before that, your besties in media were forced to fact check your Medicare claims. It’s fine to exaggerate numbers when you’re complaining about how many people are grocery shopping the week of Thanksgiving as you try finding a parking spot somewhere in your state. But when you ALL CAPS some big numbers about government programs, expect people to point and laugh at your burning pantsuited posterior.
Then there was the time Jake Tapper asked you how you’ll pay for all that free stuff you promised voters. You hadn’t a cogent answer then, nor did you later when asked similar questions and you delivered this adorable answer: see Alexandria Cortez Can’t Answer How She’ll Fund Government Proposals.
See Alexandria, you’re a fantastic moron. A glittering jewel of colossal brain farts. Yes, you are undoubtedly passionate, but you’ve channeled that passion into terrible ideas and a sense of entitlement. Personally, I find it delightfully fresh to see a new politician running to Twitter to peck out her raw thoughts, unfiltered, unchecked, unencumbered by things like knowledge or a simple double-checking via Google. Like over the weekend when you said the Constitution said nothing about presidential age limits for ladies. Aw!
I’ll give you credit at least once, though. You were able to call out the silly double standard of New York’s tax system when Bezos’ Amazon made its new headquarters announcement. The only problem was your failure to see the problem of government providing kickbacks to business, a foundational tenet of socialism, which allowed Amazon the wiggle room to make New York its second home. A socialist bashing socialist practices. Well-played.
Here’s the thing, Alexandria, those are just a few examples of either your intellectual shortcomings or your inability to read. Whether you truly believe what it is your saying, or refuse to verify the veracity of your claims, criticism of you is fair game.
Were you a finely dressed gentleman with the racial makeup of powdered sugar, we’d find mocking you just as enjoyable. Though perhaps we wouldn’t call you BuzzFeed Barbie. Maybe BuzzFeed Ken. We’ve already used Pretty Young Thing for Justin Trudeau. Who we also mock for his bad ideas and keen sense of hair. Equality.
Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean, yours are the sweetest bug eyes I’ve ever seen.
No, wait, what I meant to say is next time you’re feeling the conservative heat, usually delivered in the form of riotous laughter, take solace in knowing it’s not because you’re a “strong” woman of color who’s just challenging the status quo. It’s just because you haven’t figured out you’re dumber than a breadbox.
But keep doing you, boo. We do get a kick out of it.
P.S. Congresswoman, do send me your address, I have to gift you a fruit basket for Christmas.