Dear David Hogg, You're a Lying, Opportunistic, Insufferable Little Toe Rag
Dear David Hogg,
When you first broke into the public sphere with your gun-grabbing schtick, we were reluctant to oppose you. For one thing, you're a child. Present tense. Also, we couldn't imagine what you and your friends had been through. So, we respectfully kept quiet, while also disagreeing with your positions. Plus we had adult things to do. Like pay bills, cook for ourselves, and work. Not to be confused with whining in front of a camera spreading mistruths. Minor difference.
Our reluctance to bitch-slap you sideways was before you embraced your role as gun-grabbing, activist puppet. A position you gladly took. Everytown lubricated their hand, and you bent over, smiling as you spread your cheeks. It's a metaphor overly-triggered people, chill out. A metaphor we wouldn't have deployed had you stayed out of the public spotlight. Once you answer fame's beckoning hand, you're at the mercy of public scrutiny. Sorry, them be the rules. You don't have to like them. But the moment you become political, you open yourself up to criticism. Even if you suffered a tragedy.
NOTEfor David and anyone outraged we'd criticize him: David does not have the right to have his ass kissed. He does not have the right to go without people objecting to him, insulting him, simply because he was on campus during a tragic school shooting. If he didn't want to be mocked, criticized, or otherwise called into question, he shouldn't have entered the public arena of politics. David cannot hide behind his "victim status" and lob attacks at the Second Amendment, the NRA, or legal gun owners. Got it? But now that he has, it's a fair ball.
Ever since you allowed the gun activist groups to use you, you've been leveling attacks against anyone who isn't onboard with immolating the Constitution, rounding up all the gats. A steady stream of ad hominem attacks and outright lies have scattershot out of your flapping squawk box. Like a limp-wristed beta male firing a 12-gauge.
Well, you've tried our patience one too many times.
We're tired of watching your head plastered on our screens. A head that looks like it was superimposed from an episode of The X-Files. You're probably not old enough to vote (data is fuzzy on your exact age), but there you are, calling on legal Americans to surrender their Second Amendment rights. Because gosh darn it, it just feels so great to have the fawning praise of media. Soak up the glow, little baby. It shan't last forever. There's only so long the public will listen to a tween's opinions. Or lies, like accusing NRA members, who think the Second Amendment is just fine the way it's written, of being pro-murder.
Incidentally, there was another school shooting today. It wasn't a mass shooting as the SRO shot the gunman. Your "we don't want guns on campus at all" argument seems to have faded in the wind this time, eh?
Sit down, kid. Your "expertise" from binge-watching House of Cards means nothing here in the real world. Adults have the talking stick now.
You're a child. Just a few years past engaging in transactions with the Tooth Fairy and smelling other kids' hands. There's nothing special about you. You have no expert insight into American gun policy. I'd wager the extent of your experience with firearms is limited to occasional laser tag playdates. For which you still need an adult's signature.
Like every other impling who came before you, you think you have all the answers. Prepare yourself for a rude awakening. The ability to form sounds with your lips doesn't equate to knowing anything. Confusing considering all the attention given to Chris Cuomo. You may be called on in class to give an answer, but your teacher probably doesn't want your opinion. The teacher's trying to ensure people are paying attention. Not playing Minesweeper, or trying to one-up each other in the Tide pod challenge.
Don't beat yourself up for being a mindless twit, kid. There are some rubes in their thirties who still don't understand how the world works. The difference is most of those people aren't so full of themselves as to talk down to 100-million gun owners. They just type in all caps on Twitter to their eight followers.
Since school these days is leftist indoctrination at Scientology levels, let's run through some facts of gun life. Pro-gunners have the Constitution and a pile of Second Amendment success stories higher than Cheech and Chong on 4/20. It's quite possible that joke reference went over your chinless head. Take some time away from your mirror, which you sit before while applying bronzer before your next media appearance, and Google it.
The successes of the Second Amendment do not get tossed in the trash because a runt with the build and profile of Beaker from The Muppet Show (that's you, boo) and his Sinead O'Connor wannabe friend say so.
You're hiding behind your age and victimhood status to bully us into silence. All so you can spew lies and accusations of "child murder" without resistance. You're hoping we'll shrug our shoulders saying "Aw, he's just a young babe with an underdeveloped frontal lobe and nearly non-existent mandible, " and be on our way to fill out our tax forms. Nope.
You're far from the first person to take a shot at gun control. Which you would know had you been born in the previous century, not during the heyday of Britney Spears. The Second Amendment has withstood two hundred and fifty years of leftists using it to wipe their rectums. One impish dunce with the face shape of a party balloon isn't going to fare any better. But it's adorable you're trying. Gold stars for you.
You might think you're accomplishing something. And you are. You've made yourself and your intentions to the world quite clear. You're a media whore. Soaking up every ounce of attention you can get. Reveling in the glow of media praise. You actually think people care about your words. You seem to be blissfully unaware people's interest in you lies outside of your opinions on all things guns. You've become a caricature. A basic high school institution which all of us remember: another teeny bopping dumbass, most of whom are forgotten.
Perhaps we're wrong. Maybe you won't be forgotten as quickly as every other eager high school "cool kid." You do have a kind of legacy, come to think of it. You've done more for gun sales and NRA membership than we thought possible. Turns out, raising your tiny chin in condescension isn't without value. You may think gun dealers are cursing you to the high heavens. The reality is they're praising your name while counting their money.
Before lies started seeping from your insufferable little mouth, gun sales were in a slump. Some manufacturers were even filing for bankruptcy. Not anymore. Thanks to your incendiary rhetoric, gun owners, sane and tin-hatter alike, are stockpiling ammo and AR lowers. All because you and your armbanded peers would rather stroke your authoritarian ways and trample on the Second Amendment than talk like grown-ups. You darn kids!
You've still got quite a bit to learn. If you don't like guns, that's a-okay. You're entitled to your opinion. What you're not entitled to is making vile insinuations and expecting gun owners to stay silent. Just because you were on campus during a shooting. Just because you're but a child.
Enter the arena of public ideas, especially demanding other Americans do something just because you say, and expect more criticism. You're not immune from political attacks, kid. If you want the fame, if you want the attention, you have to take everything that comes with it. The Genie in Disney's Alladin said something similar. You may miss the reference. It did come out long before your time.
You think you're far more important to the national conversation on guns than you really are. Really, you're just another exploited child, used by the left. Who goes along for the ride to soak up as much attention while you can.
The only person you're fooling is you, David.
Co-written by Courtney Kirchoff and Corey Stallings
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