Father Christmas

Give me your penis

You no longer can be a man...

~ The Kinks (2019 Remix)

There are many ways to celebrate Christmas (see Christmas Songs Played with Firearms? It’s as Awesome as it Sounds… and 20th Century Fox Recuts Die Hard as a Christmas Movie Trailer. It’s Holiday Perfection.). Spending time with your family. Reflecting on all you've been blessed with. Maxing out your credit cards, because who gives the best presents turns into an arms race. At least, that's how normal people celebrate Christmas. Others celebrate by attacking mothers for not using preferred pronouns for Santa Claus. The big fat guy in the red suit who isn't real. Yes, we're all kinds of triggered about that.

The mum said: "I've just been shamed [on a Facebook group] for using the name 'Father Christmas' and [told] that 'Santa' is now seen as gender neutral.

"I was only referring to the book below ['Father Christmas' by Raymond Briggs] but it's left me a little confused/on edge about what we are aloud [sic] to say. I have a small child and don't really want to raise him saying 'Father Christmas' if it's hurtful to some."

While Brits typically say 'Father Christmas,' Americans and those living in the USA usually say 'Santa Claus,' - but the question of whether the jolly man should have a gender-neutral name seems to be a new debate this year.

First of all, mommy groups on Facebook are the things that actually deserve to be shamed. The Supreme Court is less judgemental than a group of moms pecking away on the book of faces. Women join those groups just to criticize other women, other husbands, people who use different diaper methods, different feeding methods, people who have different lifestyles than their supposedly awesome lives of mommyhood... just everything. If you deny that, you are most likely the person everyone in the group hates the most.

But there is no debate about Santa Claus' gender. We're not rewriting centuries of Christmas songs just because someone took a gender studies class and wants strangers on the internet to think they sound tolerant. If you want to create Adrian the Gender Neutral Holiday Pony, I won't judge. Create all the new woke traditions you want. Angels we have heard on high we could stand to mock the leftists just a smidgen more. Easy targets.

But we're leaving Santa Claus a dude. If for no other reason, it would confuse Mrs. Claus if he wasn't a dude. She married a man. How masculine he is, that's a debate for another time. Santa Claus is jolly, cheery, fat, dressed in red velvet, lives in the North Pole, might be Tim Allen.

Make Santa Male Again is not a campaign we need, but darn it if we won't go there to preserve this Christmas tradition for children.

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