Marriage is not a right. You are not entitled to a husband or a wife based on your being a human or an American. No one can promise you a spouse, any more than someone can promise you a baby, success, good health, or six-pack abs. So let me say it again, you, the person reading this story and everyone who isn't, hasn't the right to get married. Because marriage isn't a right, human, civil or otherwise.

Now, marriage may be considered a rite of passage, and marriage is certainly an important foundation on which to build a family, but marriage isn't something endowed upon you by your creator. Even if you want it super badly and think you'd rock marriage like a hurricane.

You have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. You have the right to express yourself without government repercussions, to practice your religion, to peacefully assemble, to keep and bear arms, to require a warrant before search and seizure, and you have a right to a speedy trial with a jury of your peers. Those are some of the basics.

You don't have the right to share your bed with someone who breathes loudly, farts, or experiences night sweats especially as they get older. You haven't the right to nag someone to take out the trash even though trash taking-out is a reoccurring event. You don't have a right to jointly own assets with the person you've promised to love until death parts you, even if you break that promise or hope death parts you sooner than later. You haven't the right to button someone else's hard to reach buttons. You haven't the right to change your Facebook status from "It's complicated" (no it isn't, you basic bro or bitch) to "married."

You are not promised a spouse, by anyone, even God Himself. You do not have a right to get married if you want to get married, or if you're gay, straight, bisexual, polyamorous, or aroused by telemarketing calls.

And yet, there are too many people, especially those on the left, who proclaim that marriage is a right. Last week during the CNN Townhall on GAYNESS, dirt-eating loser Beto O'Rourke said this:

Don Gay Man Lemon: “Do you think religious institutions like colleges, churches, charities should they lose their tax-exempt status if they oppose same-sex marriage?”

Dirt-Eating Man Skank: “Yes. There can be no reward, no benefit, no tax break for anyone, or any institution, any organization in America, that denies the full human rights and the full civil rights of every single one of us. And so as president, we are going to make that a priority, and we are going to stop those who are infringing upon the human rights of our fellow Americans.”

Remember when the Gaystapo said "If you're against gay marriage, don't marry a gay?" or something to that effect? Remember when the Gaystapo promised you gay marriage was about "love" and that "love is love" and "love wins"? Uh-huh. Remember how conservatives and the religious right all said the gay marriage push was a slippery slope which would one day lead to the erosion of our actual rights? Ringing the wedding bells? Remember how the left promised us we'd maintain our fundamental right to free speech and freedom of religion just please, pretty please with a mammary-shaped cherry on top of the quadruple boob cake to symbolize a lesbian wedding, vote for gay marriage? Mmm-hmm.

Well color me with the rainbow flag, because darn it if conservatives hit this one right on the double penises.

To be absolutely clear: the Constitution of these United States promises the right to practice religion in the very First Amendment. Not mentioned in the Bill of Rights or the Constitution: marriage. Anywhere.

Yet the Democrats want people to believe marriage is somehow a right and that gay people's marriage rights trump actual rights outlined in the actual Constitution. Some will say this is because Beto is a moron. He is, but he knows he's breaking new leftist ground, perhaps inspiring other candidates to walk up to the plate with a similar pitching strategy in mind. Also, too many people seem to think just wanting something gives them a right to it.

No. That's not how this works. I want a billion dollars. I want to eat carbs and sugar without consequence. I want a deep tub with a house around it, overlooking something pretty. Mountains, a beach, some valley with grass, I won't quibble. And yet I have none of these things just by wanting them. Because I don't have the right to eat a tray of brownies without getting fat, just as someone hasn't the right to marry someone else, same sex or otherwise.

A right is something you have which cannot be taken from you by the state because it was granted by God. A right is not something you want hoping God or the state will grant it to you.

Remember, the same left is already in the business of punishing people who don't bow to the Gaystapo's marriage demands: Gaystapo Strikes Again: Christian Bakery Fined For Reasons You Won't Believe and Toronto Star OpEd Throws Melodramatic Fit About Chick-fil-A's Poisonous Homophobia.

We knew this was going to happen. We knew a fake "right" would be used to diminish our actual rights. Is it too late to stop this gay train from bowling over our religious freedoms? Hard to say. But maybe the next time the left asks for a cookie, we'll snip off their hands before they can reach for the jar.

It's a metaphor. Not a call for violence. Calm your bits.

~Written by Courtney Kirchoff