One theme I beat like an Islamic wife: multiple things can be true at once. For example: the President of the United States shouldn’t spend so much time on Twitter. For the love of all things America, someone wrestle Trump’s phone out of his grubby “normal-sized” fingers. On the other totally appropriately sized hand, when Trump tweet trolls Kim Jong Un like he did last night, talking about nuke buttons, I have to shrug and smile. Maybe the Trump Tweets(TM) aren’t so bad:
North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un just stated that the “Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times.” Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 3, 2018
Our el presidente is referring to this statement from “Rocket Man”:
“It’s not a mere threat but a reality that I have a nuclear button on the desk in my office,” he said. “All of the mainland United States is within the range of our nuclear strike.”
First of all, congratulations to both Rocket Man and Trump for embracing the cartoon villains of old. All they want for next Christmas is a white Persian cat. To receive all the diabolical-plot rubs required of megalomaniacal overlords.
Maniacal laughter can be purchased as a ringtone on iTunes.
Secondly, Trump’s not-tongue-in-cheek but rather stubby fingers to phone response to a foreign leader threatening nuclear war, is the main reason Trump is a thing. America was founded — as a nation — upon a hearty “Screweth you. Behold, the ass-kicking thy deserve, you insufferable wankers.” Sure, sure, it was better encapsulated with timely prose courtesy of Jefferson and Franklin. Topped off with wonky capitalization rules of the era. But the Declaration of Independence is, was, and ever shall be a glorious middle finger to the despotic meddlers of Britain. Whose derrières we trounced in two wars. America, bitches.
Fast forward a few hundred years to Trump’s Twitter app. A communist nation is making threats of total annihilation. Despite those threats coming from a leader who closely resembles a Pixar character in search of a Snipe. And despite North Korea having more problems than a feminist’s bad romance. Trump responded with threats of his own. Just bigger, badder, more accurate threats, boasting his nuclear arsenal. Which actually works. It’s the kind of response Americans have wanted from their leader. For better or worse.
Some talking bobble heads will say “We shouldn’t escalate this threat.” I say the threat has already been escalated. Rocket Man needs to be aware America can level North Korea, possibly with such sophisticated sound effects like “Boom” and “Muhahahaha.”