Top 5 Sexual Assault Allegations of JUST Today...
There are so many creepy crinkle bags out there, it's easy to get confused about who was accused of sexual assault today and who wasn't. Of course, that doesn't negate who is going to be accused. Just wait an hour.
Here's today's list. So far.
1. Matt Lauer
Fired promptly after allegations were drawn. NBC is acting swiftly and, dare I say it, professionally. They have to, considering their growing pod of pervs. I didn't know they made terrariums for this species. Viewing windows are conveniently located in the living room of every American.
- Matt Zimmerman - NBC senior vice president
- Mark Halperin - NBC senior political analyst
2. Andrew Kreisberg
Warner Bros. producer whose best-known works are the Flash, Supergirl, and Arrow - television which tends to have sub par acting skills. Mayhaps because actors are too distracted dodging Kreisberg's complimentary lip moisturizer.
- Accused by nineteen women AND men
- Victims are current or former employees of shows Kreisberg executive produced
- Accusations include inappropriate touching, kissing, and requests for massages
- Erratically (or erectly) fired writing staff every season of the Flash
3. David Sweeney
Chief news editor for NPR. The organization now faces more problems than just insufferably snobbish, dry reporting.
- Accusations come from 3 current and former employees
- Included two accounts of forcible kissing
- Follows allegations against NPR news chief Michael Oreske
NPR editor Lauren Hodges — who alleged Sweeney gave her unsolicited gifts and attention when he worked as her supervisor — said she hopes the outcome of the review "provides a loud, clear message to anyone struggling with harassment."
4. Teddy Davis
Senior producer at CNN, fired shortly after he was accused of making colleagues uncomfortable. I know, I know, that could mean anything from playing pranks in the style of Jim Halpert to an undue amount of BO. No news on if the stench was actually him or CNN as an organization.
According to a source at CNN, the network's internal investigation into Davis surfaced instances of the ousted producer making fellow colleagues uncomfortable. There were no reports of physical or sexual assault.
5. Garrison Keillor
Radio show host on Minnesota Public Radio (MPR). Notice the public entities have a recurring pattern here. Government spaces offer a moist environment for scummy microbes to breed in record numbers.
“I meant to pat her back after she told me about her unhappiness, and her shirt was open and my hand went up it about six inches. She recoiled. I apologized,” Keillor told the newspaper in an email. “I sent her an email of apology later, and she replied that she had forgiven me and not to think about it. We were friends. We continued to be friendly right up until her lawyer called.”
6. [Insert next allegation here ___________]
We're just leaving this space for you to come back and pen in later. In permanent marker. On your computer screen. Do it. Okay, fine. Use dry erase marker. It'll be easier to update every day.