Before you Star Wars nerds get all in a twist, this post is not going to deride the movies. Okay? Okay. It’s just meant as a fun post using Star Wars to poke fun at liberalism. Okay? Okay. If you haven’t seen any Star Wars movie at all ever and want to spare yourself of spoilers, then this is not the post you’re looking for. Move along.
Had to go there. Not sorry.
1. Anakin Skywalker is a whiner who embraces his own victim status (granted, he started life as a slave) and leverages it into evil. Are those all the details? No, I have to admit I only watched Revenge of the Sith precisely once because it was such bantha fodder. Here’s what I took away from Episode 1-3: they were total crap, which suggested the best evil overlords with the coolest voices start as little brats who can’t always get what they want. Check your privilege.
2. Princess Leia tried leading the rebellion. Girl power. Except she needed men to save her. That evil patriarchy, starting with old white dude Obi Wan Kenobi, was called in, and before the Princess was able to get her flowy white dress off the Death Star, she had Han, Luke, Chewbacca and a sacrificed Obi Wan to thank. Lesson? Don’t put your hair in side buns. Everyone get’s all distracted. It might also affect one’s hearing. Just saying. I mean, JUST SAYING (had to yell). Note that after Leia did her hair like a normal person, she didn’t have to be rescued so many darn times and actually got a little bit of rescuing in for herself.
3. Jedi mind-tricks. Yeah, they were super cool when Obi Wan used them against the stormtroopers. Also kind of cool when Luke uses it in Jabba’s palace. But let’s be college students for a bit and analyze the crap out of it until it’s no longer fun. Mind control is censorship, a way to manipulate to get what you want. It’s twisting reality as a distraction, so you may carry on with your agenda. Let me put it in clearer, more modern terms…
4. Han Solo is the man who gets it done. He happens to be a young, attractive white man, so that’s obviously a problem for reasons that are self-explanatory. When young Luke needs his butt saved, it’s Han Solo to the rescue. When Princess Leia is having a crisis and can’t get off the Planet Hoth, it’s Han Solo to the rescue. Obviously that was a giant no-no to the sisterhood of butch-cutted lesbians or the asexual ewoks, so he had to be taken out of commission for a bit, then turned into art for a giant fat pervert. Let’s also not forget Han Solo had it bad for Leia and never asked for consent before making advances…
5. A tyrannical Empire rules the galaxy: the all powerful Empire, led by a ruthless emperor, doesn’t debate its opposition, it crushes it. Plus it’s led by a creepy old, white, wrinkly white man who looks way too much like the love child of Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Yikes. Try getting THAT out of your mind. How did the Empire begin? For the safety and stability of the people, the republic was disbanded. The Jedi were destroyed. You Star Wars geeks knew this one was coming. Give up your freedom for an all powerful empire which promises to keep you safe. “So this is how liberty dies. To thunderous applause.”
Did I miss any? Sound off in the comments!
May the force be with you. Always. Unless you’re easily offended. Then you can make step on a rake and let others laugh at you.