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March 12, 2020
Sorry, Coronavirus isn’t the Zombie Apocalypse You’re Hoping For
Coronavirus has reached a point of overhype as a way to seemingly inject a sense of excitement into our otherwise risk-free First World lives. Go ahead, tell me I'm being an irrational twit after you try finding a parking space at Costco ten minutes after it opens. Also, why are people stocking up on toilet paper as if all of us will be afflicted with what exactly? Sudden bouts of explosive diarrhea? Coronavirus is a flu, it's not cholera. Why do people think they're going to be sprinting for the toilet like it's the cornucopia at the Hunger Games?
Yes, media is dousing the flames of the hype with gasoline. As I'll explain later, overhyping doom is the media's modus operandi. You probably already know that.
The medicine tells us this flu isn't going to lead to the great societal take down many hoarders and preppers are not-so-secretly hoping will befall us just so they can finally feel validated for their hoarding and prepping ways. But again I say, it's the flu, not a mutation that'll kill all but our brainstems, forcing us to roam the earth until the Governor pulls out teeth out to make us fight.
No, coronaoverhype (new word) doesn't mean people should wipe their rectums then reach into the communal pizza box. No, the overhype doesn't mean we should not have limited travel to and from China the moment this thing popped like a zit.
Note: Gross body references splattered throughout. You saw the ride, you sneezed all over the ticket and passed it back.
I was and still am amongst the many negative Nancys who suggested we shut down travel to and from China when word of this thing made its first grumbling. Why not stop a disease we knew so little about before it could take hold in America? Kind of seemed like the right call. But media didn't wasn't the sweaty with glee mess they are now back when China acted suspiciously about the real nature of the Kung Flu Sicken. Which was the more appropriate time for a little caution flag waving. But remember, such calls were called "racist." Oh well, I'll move on.
The WuHuFlu is now in America, ravaging toilet paper supplies and making it a lot more fun to sneeze in public. So far the corona flu isn't having the kind of effects even I thought it would after initial reporting from whistleblowing Chinese doctors. Yep, I, the writer of this column, was all about that panic and chaos before the disease made landfall in the States. But now that it's here, despite my calling for travel from China being temporarily banned, it's just kind of a bad flu.
Yet media is, as it always does, predicting absolute doom and gloom. That's what media does. Media is comprised of the same panic-prone numbnuts who pee themselves over hurricane season, who can't wait for another mass shooting, and at least CNN, spent months worrying about an airplane that had crashed long ago. Media wants a pandemic and now they think they have one.
This pandemic is a flu with a foreign name due to its foreign origin. A flu as in a cold. As in cough cough, sniffle sniffle, I feel a little icky, what dumb show can I binge on Netflix.
No matter, the economy has been booming and the Democrats are set to nominate a bumbling geriatric who is lucky to remember pants. Heck, he's lucky he knows what pants are. Therefore media must overhype the WuhanClan to make it sound like the Beer Virus is going to wipe us all out. For example:
Even the tweet embedded in this article is misleading. Yes, right now, the WuHu has a mortality rate of 1% which is ten times more fatal than the normal flu with a mortality rate of 0.1%. But that number is expected to GO DOWN as more people are tested for the virus and those people are showing signs of mostly butt sores from too much time watching whatever the new Netflix show is.
That means canceling conventions, canceling travel, canceling your life as you know it is a bit of an overreaction.
Is there a chance I might have to, once again, eat my words and hope I have enough toilet paper to deal with the aftermath? Maybe. But the my corona is mostly just a tool being used by media to freak you out, freak out the economy, try to nail Trump for what? I guess not banning travel from China sooner despite the same people crying about Trump's response to the Wuhan also crying for open borders? It makes sense if you think Joe Biden would also be a great president and that Jeffrey Epstein really did kill himself.
Go live your lives, my friends. It's only a zombie apocalypse if you surrender your minds to the same people who call you a racist just because it's Thursday.
P.S. "social distancing"? First of all, I love it. If people need tips on how to be a cold-hearted, dark-souled introverted maiden, I have lots of them. Tweet me.