While you were wondering which New Year's resolution was the most realistic and sustainable, the people of Oregon wrestled with a tragedy: having to pump their own gas. Never has "First world problems" afflicted masses of people on such a cataclysmic scale. I'm just sorry I've only now heard about it, days after the massacre of HUMAN RIGHTS.

The Internet responded exactly as you'd expect. From the Facebook page:

1. This educational juggernaut offering all the schooling.

FEAR NOT OREGON!!!!

I've decided to move to Oregon to open a school to teach people how to pump their own gas. Short term business you say? HA! I will simply branch out and offer classes on such complicated things as:

1. Tying your own shoes.

2. Dressing yourself.

3. Operating a self checkout machine.

4. Dial your own phone.

5. Mow your own lawn.

6. Split your own firewood.

7. How to feed yourself.

8. Make your own dinner.

9. Wash, dry and fold your own laundry. (Extra charge as these are three classes taught separately)

10. Operating a can opener, manual and electric.

11. Counting past 10.

12. Wiping your own butt.

I understand Oregon, adulting is hard and sometimes you someone to show you how. I'm here for you.

The words of support are comforting. Like a security blanket for the soul.

2. Real or not real? Is this lady being sarcastic or totally serious? 

Not a good idea, there are lots of reason to have an attendant helping, one is they need a job too. Many people are not capable of knowing how to pump gas and the hazards of not doing it correctly. Besides I don't want to go to work smelling of gas when I get it on my hands or clothes. I agree Very bad idea.

She capitalized "very" so I have a feeling she's being serious. Very serious.

3. Like the zombie apocalypse but more original:

One time, my dad came to Oregon and pumped his own gas. The street immediately lit on fire and he caused massive recession countrywide because he took away 20 billion jobs by pumping his own gas. I was in the back seat when brother was nabbed through the locked door by a transient creeper who raised him to be his human ottoman. My dad then tried wiping his windshield but the stuff he used turned out to be sulfuric acid. The car exploded with me in it and I died. My dad lost 3 parenting points because he was 2 feet away fueling his car when he could have had someone else do this very simple task for him.

20 billion jobs is nothing to scoff at, son.

4. Then there's this guy who just wants to be lazy and isn't afraid you know about it. He's responding to this helpful woman with perspective. 

Omg this post is hilarious!! I'm in Wisconsin and with the wind chill it's currently -17. You know what I did this morning?! Had to pump my own flipping gas!! It's not that hard people!!

Why use one exclamation point when you can use two? Makes everyone sound smarter. Here's our lazy hero's response:

Then stay there. But i know how to pump the gas and when compared to the self serve stations in oregon( pacific pride for example) the price of gas isnt really any cheaper so why not Have someone pump my gas? Same reason i dont take carts back to cart area at stores, they provide the personel to do it for me...they have a job and i can be lazy...win win

I love how he's carrying the laziness through his post. Why hit the SHIFT key to capitalize your letters when you can sound like a total dingus to the entire world?

5. Then there's this Millennial, who's been waiting her whole life to mock baby-boomers. I salute you:

Imagine what it's like being a baby boomer that preaches doing things yourself yet refuses to pump their own gas like a normal human being 

Your next avocado toast is on me.

6. This tongue-typing, handless warrior:

There was only one service station in the area I lived and I had to drive 25 mins to get there.

Pumped my own gas my whole life and now my hands have literally melted down to my wrists. I’m typing this with my tongue.

Bravery. You have it, sir.

7. The helpful gas guru with more advice than Gandhi:

I see everyone is concerned with smelling like gas. I would just like to point out that you don't actually pour the gas on yourself. It's goes INTO the car. I honestly thought this was a joke. I'm still trying to figure out if this page is satire or not. I was pumping gas for my parents when I was 9. I can't even. 

I also can't even. But I soldier on through these comments because I was ordered by God.

8. This woman, who sounds more serious than a case of raging herpes:

No! Disabled, seniors, people with young children in the car need help. Not to mention getting out of your car with transients around and not feeling safe too. This is a very bad idea. Grrr

She's angry, so she's growling. Not to be confused with a hungry car in need of gas. Which she can't serve herself, because of privilege.

9. Moving over to Twitter, this gif in response to Shapiro:

10. And finally, this honest comment from a woman concerned for the disabled people pumping gas. Who somehow manage to drive their cars, get into their cars, and get out of their cars:

What about the disabled people who can't get out to pump their own? Do you just sit there and honk? Im an Oregonian and never had to deal with it before. I like that we employ people as attendants. I like the customer service too. I think there should be two types of gas stations. Ones for people like me, and ones for people in a hurry and dont care about customer service or help.

At least she's offering a helpful solution.

Those are my top ten favorites. But really, the entire post is a sure fire way to improve your day. Go forth and read with joy.

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