News moves pretty quickly, but in case you missed it because you were decorating the chimney with care, there was a terror attack at New York City's Port Authority. Less a terror attack, more a failed terrorist's occasion to blast off his own pecker. Small as it was. This dick news (or sudden lack of dick) is brought to you by Twitter. If you've seen confirmation, via a hole where once hung a feeble tallywhacker, please send along. What a waste of 72 virgins. Though perhaps they'll feel otherwise.

The blasted dick off was the second terror attack in New York City in as many months (see Uh-Oh: NYC Suspect was Interviewed in 2015 by Federal Agents… and Bill Maher Blasts Dems After NYC Attack: We’re NOT Infidels). The family of the accused is outraged.

At law enforcement. Who prevented the attack.

I'm so not here for this right now.

First, let's acknowledge the heroes:

As to the allegations made against "a member of your family"? There are allegations BECAUSE LAW ENFORCEMENT CAUGHT HIM IN THE ACT. Pro-tip to the bomber: the wires coming out of your chest were probably a clue. Sure, sure, Christmas customs can be confusing. But never has old Saint Nicholas adorned his red satin coat with trip wires. He's fat from the cookies. Not packs of C-4. Though, to be health conscious, excess of both may kill you. One is just moderately more pleasant than the other. You guess which.

This is whataboutism in its ugliest form. The terrorist was, thankfully, prevented from killing lots of people. He may never be able to reproduce due to the blown-to-bits John Thomas. But let's not confuse his problems in the sack with public safety.

Everyone, including the family of Terrorist Fails 2017 should be grateful the only one seriously injured was the guy wearing the bomb. Is that a bomb, or are you just really excited to perform your own gender reassignment surgery, madam?

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