Dear undertalented, overpaid crybabies:
Maybe not everyone who shrugged their shoulders at your movie is a sexist, chauvinistic pig, with nothing but posters of boobs plastered on his basement walls. Maybe not everyone who thought your movie was unoriginal and boring is a porn-addicted incel who spends every weekend depositing bodily fluids into tissues. Maybe not everyone who thought your acting ability was worse than dirt stuck underneath fingernails drives a lifted truck with plastic balls hanging from the tow hitch.
Maybe your movie just sucks. Maybe you sucked in it.
Yesterday Brie Larson, an actress I’m barely aware of probably because I’m 34 now and just don’t give any more craps about what Tinseltown twit is doing what, complained about white men reviewing movies. Specifically white men reviewing A Wrinkle in Time. A movie which isn’t about white men or the “white male experience.” Following the logic of the opinions of Brie Larson, one is only allowed to comment on the quality of a film if one is the depicted subject matter of that film. Woe to you Muggles who didn’t like Harry Potter.
Similarly, actress and writer Mindy Kaling commented on the unfairness of white men reviewing movies starring women, referring to her movie Ocean’s Eight, which opened to fair numbers and fair reviews. As I understand it, the critics took issue not with the all-female cast, but the lack of a cleverness for a heist film. Still, since Mindy didn’t get glowing praise for being FEMALE and FORWARD THINKING, it’s time to blame the WHITE MEN.
Capitalization abuse to simulate feminist shrieks.
I see a trend afoot. Should a movie, staring women, do poorly, the excuse will be “BUT WHITE MEN!”
To which I say “SHUT UP!”
The most controversial thing I’ve ever said has not been about transgenderism, abortion, or Trump sometimes tweeting like a monkey. Nope, the most controversial thing I’ve said is “Batman v Superman didn’t suck.” As in I actually liked the film. As in I’ve seen it twice without wanting to bleach my eyes. There I was, with Thai takeout, sitting on my couch, waiting for the movie to get crappy as all the critics, reviewers, and mostly Marvel fanboys promised it would. Only it never got crappy. I kept waiting for it to make me regret all my life choices. Because based on the reviews and shitposting on Twitter, I assumed Batman v Superman was the film equivalent of stage four cancer.
Which, sidenote, I anticipate I’ll get even more hate for, again, for saying, again, the movie didn’t suck like everyone said it sucked. Goes to evidence.
I bring up that particular film because it was:
- Expensive to produce
- Directed by a white man
- Written by white men
- Stared white men
- Received plenty of hate and negative reviews from (drumroll please) WHITE MEN
Ergo if you ladies feel you’ve been slighted because your movie received non-glowing reviews from white men, it could be because they simply didn’t like your film. As people. Not as men of whiteness.
I know, right? Let’s not pretend negative film reviews are a new concept. Or that only lady films get the two thumbs down. No. Guess what was the most successful film last year? Here, more hints:
- Expensive to produce
- Directed by a woman
- Started a woman
- Received plenty of positive reviews from both men and women
- Storyline entirely centered around a woman
Probably didn’t hurt that she’s smoking hot. Holy fook balls, Batfleck.
Also, she was in the same movie which received all the THIS MOVIE IS STAGE FOUR CANCER BECAUSE OF “MARTHA!” referenced earlier.
So, actresses, who get reviews you don’t like: go pour a glass of champaign. Go sit in your spa. Go get a massage. Just go, but go quietly. Negative reviews are as American as our superhero actors used to be. Not everything is about sexism. Not everything is about misogyny. Sometimes things just suck. And sometimes those things are you.
Hugs and kisses,