Before I get started, lemme make something clear: most women are not insufferable trundle beasts looking to scorch every Y-chomosomed humanoid in her path, using nothing but her laser-beam shooting eyeholes. I say this as a woman. Note that byline, my babies.
Now, quick show of hands: who is tired of every celebrity starlet with an over-inflated sense of importance, turning every tiny inconvenience into an alleged attack on all womankind? That’s what I thought.
Brie Larson, I’m looking at you, plum dumpling.
Silly me, I thought we were going to get through the Captain Marvel movie without it being as overly politicized as the leftists tried with Wonder Woman (see James Cameron Doubles Down: ‘Wonder Woman is Just Too Hot to be Feminist!’ and Best Day Ever: The Koch Brothers are Secret Wonder Woman Investors). Sorry Miss Thang, but you are no Gal Gadot.
Here’s what happened:
I merely smiled at a TSA agent and he asked for my phone number. To live life as a woman is to live life on the defense.
— Brie Larson (@brielarson) October 5, 2017
So you smiled at a TSA agent, who found you attractive and asked for your number. Normal women, who do not stuff their rectums with the branches of giant sequoias, would’ve answered with a simple: “No, but thanks” and moved on with their fabulous lives. Taking the interest as a flattering compliment and nothing more.
But you, Brie Larson, who shares your first name with a type of cheese, turned the entire incident into a feminist screed on rape culture. Or whatever.
This is me right now:
Look, I get it. Going through TSA is never a pleasant experience. It’s not where I go to pick up dudes, either. That’s fair. Many of us have TSA horror stories we’ll pass onto our young every October 31st. If there had been boob cuppage, then he asked for your number? Then most women everywhere would tweet #IStandWithBrie. We could lineup, put on our sharpest stilettos, and take turns kicking him in his soft place. Okay? Okay.
But “to live life as a woman is to live life on the defense” because some dude asked for your phone number? For the love of God, get over yourself. It was a TSA agent, not Harvey Weinstein. You’re — in theory — a successful woman who gets paid to play dress-up and make believe. If you think someone asking for your number is playing defense, how are you going to handle life when a real problem occurs? Like if, gasp, a man uses a pickup line on you!?
DUCK AND COVER GIRL, THE MAN THINKS YOU’RE CUTE. Hide yourself! SEEK SAFETY! USE A RAPE WHISTLE!
Put on your big girl panties. You’re embarrassing me.