Dear Hillary Clinton: You Lost Because America Hates You...
Dearest Madam Not-President,
You'd think losing a presidential election to an orange-coifed reality TV star would be clue enough. Especially considering you may have cheated a little bit. Allegedly. Not unlike Blue Dress Billy, the man you've stuck by as he sticks it in others, has cheated on you. Harsh? Hold onto your saggy ass. Grab an extra pantsuit for good measure.
Here's the real truth, presented in only the second paragraph of this open letter: you lost the presidential election because America hates you. "Hate" is not a word I use as flippantly as your side of the ideological aisle. "Dislike" isn't a strong enough term for someone who tests the upchuck reflexes of even those with the most resilient of stomachs. "Despise" is too strong a term for someone who thinks so highly of herself but whom most Americans think so little of. So "hate" is my preferred verb for your royal smugness.
This past week, little snippets of your upcoming book, aptly titled What Happened, have erupted across the internet like a case of hemorrhoids. In it, you've blamed Bernie Sanders for somehow inspiring Donald Trump to brand you "Crooked Hillary." Then you blamed your un-predecessor President Obama for not stopping his pal Vlad, and of course FBI Director Comey for his ill-timed (for you) condemnation letter.
There's a famous tale (perhaps a fable) about Picasso which goes something like this: a woman asked Picasso to draw her portrait. He did so, then handing her the portrait asked for a large sum of money in exchange. She scoffed, saying "But it only took you five minutes!" To which he replied: "No madam, it took me my whole life."
It is not the fault of Bernie Sanders, Barack Obama, James Comey, Vladamir Putin, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Jaunita Broaddrick, all the bankers of Wall Street, all the sheiks in Saudi Arabia, or "internalized misogynist" women for your loss. The loss lies solely with you. America, as already stated, hates you. It has hated you for years. Perhaps it has even hated you your entire life. It's a hatred which, doesn't pain me to say, is much deserved.
Lest you label me a sexist, don't. Spare yourself the embarrassment. Sure, you come off stiff, cold, calculating and malevolent, but these are but descriptors of your demeanor, not sexist barbs meant to offend your femininity. In fact, your cold, calculating manner is the least offensive attribute of your character. Americans such as myself are more turned off by your accumulation of scandals. Like this one: a Child Rape Victim Speaks Out: "Hillary Clinton defended my rapist" or how you "allegedly" covered up for your husband's many, many rapes. Which doesn't include the Whitewater scandal or your many questionable acquaintances.
Look, I don't want to beat about the same bushes here, Madam Not-President. We covered all the reasons Americans hated you leading up to the election. Benghazi, your email scandal, how you might be a witch. People repeating themselves is one of my biggest pet peeves, so I'll spare you of it as well.
But I thought someone should tell you the biggest problem with your campaign was not the people you chose to lead it. The greatest impediment to your election as president, Hillary Clinton, was, is, and ever shall be, you.
You don't seem to understand it, or you're unwilling to accept, the actual reason for your loss. Despite it staring you in the face every morning. As you make pledges to the devil. Americans hate you. And one reason for this hatred is your refusal to accept the blame for your own actions. For your refusal to acknowledge the problem America has with Hillary is Hillary herself.
Before your book you blamed sexism. After your book you'll blame... maybe sexism. You've likely blamed someone or something else for your failures (and the exposure of your corruption) your whole life. Well pardon me, Mrs. Clinton, but a refusal to take responsibility for your life's history of scandal, corruption, and true evil acts is rather telling. America pulled the lever for a reality television star because they couldn't stomach the idea of electing someone so grossly irresponsible for her own actions to lead their country.
Even now, as Donald Trump takes missteps in his presidency, Americans still skip to work singing "Well, at least he's not Hillary!" Because America hates you. It's not a woman thing. It's not an old woman thing. It's just a you thing.