Not-so-smart people are always putting forward "alternative" medical theories. Take this year's Darwin Award contender, comedian Tiffany Haddish. She recommends using turpentine as a cure-all for common ailments. No, not turmeric. Turpentine. The paint thinner. This is real life:

“A teaspoon of turpentine will not kill you,” Haddish claimed. “The government doesn’t want you to know that if you have a cold, just take some turpentine with some sugar or castor oil or honey and it’ll go away the next day.”

This is already off to a great start. Who else is taking notes? My neck has been a bit stiff of late...

Reporter Caity Weaver pushed back, cautioning that turpentine was not intended for human consumption.

“Honey, back during slavery — let me teach you something, okay?” Haddish argued.

Ah, the classic "it worked during the slavery times" argument. It's been used effectively a whole zero times ever. Also, I was unaware the slaves used turpentine to cure such things as sore throats or oppression.

Wait though, don't write Tiff off entirely. After all, she's done her research.

Haddish told the reporter that she learned to use turpentine as medicine from YouTube videos and purchased some a few months ago on Amazon.

YouTube. The same YouTube where crazies promote the pancake qualities of earth. That's where sweet little Tiffany is scoring some secret medical advice. Nuts to WebMD. It's YouTube to the rescue! If it can help new iPhone users install an earbuds jack with nothing more than a power drill, then, of course, YouTube can cure a cough with paint thinner!

The actress promised to update Weaver after her next doctor’s appointment, and continued extolling the medical virtues of turpentine.

“The best doo-doo of your f*cking life,” Haddish promised.

Who wants to bet Tiffany has added "influencer" to her LinkedIn?

I suppose every doctor in the history of ever doesn't know what they're talking about. All because Tiffany Haddish watched a YouTube video. Screw Johns Hopkins. Tiffany clicked a survey and scored a biohack. Didn't you know, chugging on toxic chemicals was commonplace in the 19th Century. Back when the average life expectancy was about 45 years. And poopy sewage rolled through the streets like an overly confident hooker.

According to Tiffany, there's a mass government conspiracy to keep turpentine's health benefits a secret. When they're not busy suppressing the truth about the Earth being flat, of course. God help us if the secrets of turpentine were ever to get out. Our economy would collapse overnight if Americans knew there was an alternative to Robitussin.

Makes you wonder what other kinds of chemicals or industrial strength solvents can be used as substitutes...

Move over MCT oil. Why add oil or Kerrygold butter to your bulletproof coffee when you can substitute it with Dawn? JUST LOOK AT THAT FROTH!

Easily replace the wonders of apple cider vinegar with nail polish remover. Simply blend in your Magic Bullet and enjoy the everlasting effects of acetone!

And here I was thinking of spending too many dolla dolla bills on skincare. DeWalt orbital sanders are the perfect exfoliating accessory. Buffing out zits as easy as slathering my face with rubbing compound. Oh the money we'll save!

Crazy as it seems, Tiffany Haddish isn't alone in loopy "alternative medicine" beliefs. Buttloads of people use magic crystals, psychic surgery, or just having a weird guy staring at them to heal themselves. Anything besides boring traditional medicine backed by hard science. Next, somebody will be recommending Drano for intestinal issues. If it can unclog the hair from a drain, it'll move along that burrito no problem. "Yep, cleared me right out."

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to see if the paint department at Lowes accepts Blue Cross Blue Shield.

Co-written by Corey Stallings and Courtney Kirchoff (she couldn't help it)

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