Ted Cruz spoke at the Gridiron Club Saturday night, where he made a number of hilarious jokes, mostly at his own expense. Rather a nice break from all the political rants people seem to be having from the drivers' seats of their cars. We don't yet have video, but we do have a transcript from Politico.

As I recall, that first appearance came during what my panicky political advisors were calling a “crisis in likeability.” And just one night here, that brief, shining moment of seeming less odious to you than usual – it really turned my image around. The only problem is, impressions are fleeting, and I’m afraid we might need to make this an annual event.

Make it an annual event with a camera at least. How is it there are zero videos online when everyone including their toddlers use smart phones? Come on, Lying Ted. Get with the new age.

Best of all for me tonight was the delicious and very filling dinner we’ve been served. It’s offered a break from a demanding regimen I have been following lately, called the Cruz Diet. I dine out, take a few bites, and then get in a little cardio being chased away by an angry mob.

Cruz is referring to that time a mob of liberal Care Bears shooed him out of a restaurant for daring to believe in due process. Watch Tolerant Leftists Strike Again! Chase Ted Cruz and Family from Restaurant.

Then Cruz mocked his game of basketball with Cryin Jimmy Kimmel. Another event which bucked the cultural norm of zero video taken.

He accepted and it was ugly. I know that’s shocking given Jimmy’s and my athletic builds and our natural aptitude at sports. But ESPN reported afterwards that “if Dr. Naismith had seen what happened here tonight, he would have invented a different sport.”

Ted Cruz hit a lot of self-deprecating jokes. If you think he didn't touch that "beard" slowly forming on his face, think again.

This was also a breakthrough year in which my presidential sobriquet went from “Lyin’ Ted” to “Beautiful Ted.” I gotta say that new pet name felt like it really hit the mark. Why else do you think I’m growing a beard? Since I’m here tonight kissing up, some are calling it the Wolf Blitzer look. I just hope it’s not Al Gore 2001. John Bolton, himself an aficionado of facial hair, said I look more like Ahmadinejad.

How has Cruz's beard not had "gate" appended to it? The wispy crumb-catcher is giving me nightmares. Maybe because one cannot quite call it a beard. As comparing what Cruz has going on facially to an actual beard does an injustice to beards. Maybe that's why hipsters haven't accused Cruz of culturally appropriating their facial styles. Or perhaps those same hipsters aren't feeling too threatened, what with Cruz having actually accomplished milestones in his life. Beard-growing not withstanding.

For more Cruzisms:

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