If you’ve done nothing wrong, make no apologies. You cannot appease the outrage mob, so might as well double down and enjoy the ride. So the rock band and hardcore partiers “Steel Panther” showed the world upon the release of their newest product, a distortion pedal for guitarists named “Pussy Melter.”
Possibly to stem outrage, or to preemptively flip the bird, the band released the following statement:
We respect and love the freedom of speech afforded to all citizens in the U.S. We support the right for all people to express themselves no matter where they are in the world. We welcome all races, genders and sexual orientations at our shows — shows that celebrate everyone’s individuality through partying, and of course a love of heavy metal.
In other words: untwist thy panties before you come to our show.
As clearly stated by Satchel when it was originally developed, the sound being created by the ‘Pussy Melter’ tone pack was intended to bring pleasure to females who heard it. STEEL PANTHER is happy to announce that we are now offering pleasurable eargasms to everyone. The ‘Pussy Melter’ is now available for pre-order in our official store. This limited-edition pedal will only be available until October 1, at which point orders will begin shipping.
As you’d expect, some people still got their Depends in a bunch. After TC Electronic ceased their advertising for the Pussy Melter, Steel Panther decided to walk back the entire branding of the pedals. They then sent themselves to re-education camp where they learned about what precious creatures all women really are, and how dare they use language some people might find so offensive, those same people spend countless minutes shitposting on Twitter.
Just kidding. Steel Panther didn’t back down:
Singer Michael Starr told Ornella Carlone of Comebackstage: “People who buy tickets to our shows know what to expect. And people that maybe come for the first time, if they don’t like it, they just leave. And that’s just the way it is. If you go see a comic, or even a magician, sometimes they have girls on stage. And comics make fun of having sex with girls and fucking them and all that kind of thing. There’s a fine line between getting a massage and making a girl suck your dick than just saying hi to them. We’re asking: ‘Hey, will you please show your boobs? You don’t have to.’ Here’s an example: [addressing the interviewer directly] Hey, will you show your boobs?” After the interviewer said “nope,” Starr continued: “Boom! See how easy that was? Everybody’s happy.”
Consent. It’s still a thing. So if you see a product with a name which offends you, you’re free to not buy it. If you see a show which makes you blush, you’re free to walk out of that show. If you’re browsing the boob tube and come across a movie with too many boobs, you’re free to switch the channel. If a member of a band on stage asks ladies in the audience to come on stage and show their boobs, you’re free to, wait for it, not go on stage and show your boobs.
Contrary to third-wave feminist belief, a lot of women have a sense of humor. Contrary to third-wave feminist belief, a lot of those same women have too many other important things in their life to give two craps about what a heavy metal band calls a guitar accouterment.
So if you’re not wrong, don’t apologize. If you’re not wrong, double down!