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Are there more important stories we could be covering? Sure, I guess. Iran is still a thing. Trump is going to China. Democrats are being all a noun and a verb and a "raaaaaacism" over redistricting. Plus, generally speaking, when we here at the Louder with Crowder Dot Com website write about testicles, it involves a dude whipping them out in the girls' bathroom and Democrats supporting them doing so. It's nice to have someone put their balls to good use for a change.

John Stephenson, a 50-year-old kickboxer, shattered a glass ceiling, becoming the first bloke to pull a two-ton car with nothing but his dong WHILE set on fire. Technically, he didn't use his entire one-eyed trouser snake, piece of pork, wife's best friend, his Percy or his cock (he's British, so I'm biting off of the Monty Python song). He just used his nuts. He also set himself on fire too. Why? Good question.

I've pulled a car with my testicles before and I've pulled a car on fire - so I thought why not combine the both, but this time do it with my penis.

Rest assured, everything is still intact! Stephen says that while "it did hurt quite a bit," but he likes to set challenges and this was something no one has done before. He did the research.

The question is, what in the name of Noodles would possess someone to pull a car with his penis? Which, apropos of nothing, is a funnier word to say than any of the euphemisms.

I'm raising awareness of prostate cancer and bullying in schools. I'm also raising money for Ruddis Retreat in Huddersfield which provides holidays for families of children with cancer.

Stephen showed his testicular fortitude for YOU! This is also the second time this year he's pulled a car with his weiner. The last time he did it was to draw attention to men's mental health. He didn't set himself on fire, though.

Don't be afraid to pick up the phone and ask for help if you think you need it. A lot of men don't, and they feel like they've got an ego to maintain. They don't talk and let their problems get the better of them. I always say that men who talk can heal.

While focusing on men's mental health is an important topic, as is cancer and bullying in schools, pulling heavy objects with your genitals isn't for everyone. Speaking as a fellow fifty-year-old, I'll stick with lifting weights, journaling, and spending time with my niece and nephew. That said, if John can pull a car with the family jewels to draw attention to mental health, you can check in on your boys to make sure they're good.

Your actual boys. Not, like, your "boys." Though why wait for Testicular Cancer Awareness Month to do that too?

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Brodigan is Grand Poobah of this here website and when he isn't writing words about things enjoys day drinking, pro-wrestling, and country music. You can find him on the Twitter too.

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