FYI, I wanted to title this article “The Empire Whacks Back.” Alas, won out, my sense of decency did.
In a world where no one can be straight without shame, the Gaystapo has Star Wars in their sights. On an Y-Wing Fighter, shaped like a penis. What’s better than by using a beloved movie franchise like Star Wars to visually rape the eyes with consensual man love of hide the sabers? (related Harrison Ford Highest Paid for Star Wars. Feminists React… and MSNBC Calls Star Wars ‘Racist.’ Ironically Uses SUPER Racist Logic…). According to The Last Jedi star Jon Boyega, more gayness:
Nope, we couldn’t just leave things with a trailer which may have spoiled too much of the film. We have to bitch slap this sucker with a rainbow sticker. A fabulous rainbow sticker.
Over the last few years there has been a louder and louder call for the “Star Wars” franchise to play a bigger role with its themes, especially when it comes to including LGBTQ characters.
NARRATOR’S VOICE: It’s really just a bunch of leftist bloggers. Not audience members. Members of the general public. Anyone who considers themselves a baseline human.
I asked Boyega whether he believes that the upcoming installments to the series have a responsibility to be more progressive and inclusive, which provoked him to insist that these changes need to happen both in front of and behind the camera.
Pause: John Boyega plays a character. He has as much responsibility in the crafting of a story arc, narrative and theme as a baseball manufacturing company has making Michael Moore look suave.
“There definitely is that responsibility, but more the responsibility to hire those from those experiences to share their creative light, that’s the pivotal thing. Because if you just hire the same sort of people you’re just getting the same sort of film. It’s not wrong, but then there’s a lack of variety. I think ‘Pacific Rim’ handles that in a very unique way.”
Personal pet peeve. “Unique” doesn’t need a qualifier. Something either is or is not “unique.” Stick to reading the words, mate.
Also, we’re talking about Star Wars here. Where people shoot each other with things called “blasters.” But sure, let’s add more gay.
There’s a chance we could see the series taking its first tentative steps in this direction rather soon. That’s because a large amount of “Star Wars” fans already believe that John Boyega’s character in the franchise, Finn, should become romantically entangled with Oscar Isaac’s Poe Dameron after their interactions in “The Force Awakens”.
“Large amount of Star Wars fans” roughly translates to “Angry lesbians on HuffPo.” Pervs who write Star Wars fanfic as an outlet for their sexual frustrations. Furries who want to show Chewbacca the ways of the force.
During our discussion Boyega insisted that the ball is firmly in Poe’s court when it comes to the development of their romance, though.
If you’re rolling your eyes, here’s a shameless plug for a column relating to this line of stupid: Dear Hollywood: Stop Gaying All the Things, Especially Straight Characters. Not absolutely everything in a galaxy, even ones far, far away, need to be queer as folk. Though the next Death Star should be totally bedazzled. Cover that MoFo in sequins. Blow it up to the sound of Cher.
This is the part where comicbook and movie Twitter claims there is something wrong with you for just wanting a movie about intergalactic civil war. Where people fight each other with glow in the dark swords. Apparently to the left, light sabers are just phallic symbols of man on man love. So Darth Vader didn’t cut off Luke’s hand. He cut off his dick.
That’s the social justice interpretation of Star Wars: Return of the Penis Envy.
However you interpret it, Star Wars (even gay) is still superior to Star Trek. Resistance is futile, you f*gs.