Okay, Pretty Man Ladies, drop a few hooks on the bra strap. Throw on some sweatpants and manspread. Let your dangle hang.
Time for girl talk.
This new man-shaming trend of yours raises my fine-haired hackles. The trend wherein you get dolled up expecting straight men to find you sexyAF, only for reality to slap you sideways. Like some kind of Bridezilla upstaged by a prettier bridesmaid. Or in your case, the best man’s dog.
Mic.com, a media company which caters to the avocado toast-munching Millennials, released a video of your squad bitching over straight men not finding them attractive enough to raise anything other than eyebrows. The premise of the video was a clear attempt to unravel what biology has dictated since the original friction of two atoms making whoopie: men are men, women are women.
I get it, sometimes life isn’t fair. You don’t upend the system just because reality put a crimp in your preferred love life. Lemme get a little musical for you, since understanding may come easier to you if set to music. Cher songs not cited. Sorry.
A British boy band of old once crooned “You can’t always get what you want.” Google it. More recently, a tall, blonde pop star sang “If you could only see, you and I were meant to be.” There have been several songs about unrequited love, come to think of it. While Taylor Swift, Adele, Jewel (and more I won’t name for brevity) made millions from their angst, some of you militant trannies are instead inciting a movement. A troubling movement.
Straight men don’t like you. But rather than chalk this one up for a biological win (the perpetuation of the species depends on men and women liking each other), you’re chalking up your palms in preparation for a throw down. How lady-like.
Sidenote: when ladies get rejected by men they like, the go-to excuse is “Oh, he’s just intimidated by me.” Not “Oh, he’s not man enough to handle my cock.” Followed up with our friends saying “He doesn’t know what he’s missing, you’ll find someone better.” Not “Shame all men. Real men like ladies with crotch bulges.”
If you’re determined to pass yourself off as a woman, try harder. Real Girl Suggestion (TM): get a group of man ladies together. Form a book club. Call it “Fifty Shades of Face Stubble.” Bring wine. Light musk-scented candles. Leave your dresses — and bras — at home. Bitch about men not being into you. Lather, rinse, and start a Pinterest board full of recipes you’ll never actually get around to making.
It’s like you guys aren’t even trying to be women. Spend more time listening to and observing ladies, less time flipping through Cosmopolitan in search of makeup tips. I can’t overemphasize how patronizing it is for you, biological men prancing about in dresses, to assume being a woman is as easy as a silicone-based foundation and a pair of nude pumps. We are much more than what you seem to think we are.
Before you mansplain about what a real lady you are, shut up. If you need an interruption deterrent, pull a sock from one of your bra cups and shove it in your face hole. Real ladies listen when we’re talking about what men like and don’t like. Take some notes in your bullet journal.
Here’s the truth: straight men like biological women. Women who possess feminine attributes. Physically this includes, but is not limited to, having a vagina. Not a swollen crotch serpent, which, when excited rears its knobby head. Straight men often like ladies who’re smaller than they are. Not “ladies” who could pass for Clay Matthews, enjoying long lunges across the line of scrimmage for a sack. Straight men like ladies with welcoming smiles, warm demeanors, and girlish laughs. Straight men do not like their ladies with five o’clock shadows and Adam’s apples, whose idea of cosmetic surgery is having their tally-whacker whacked.
In short, straight men like biological women. They do not like biological men. No matter how badly you want them to feel up your hair-plucked torso, lacking a lady’s muscle to body fat ratio. They’re just not that into you…r manliness.
What’s curious to me is why you insist straight men have to find you as hot as Margot Robbie in a two-piece. I guess it’s not a real mystery, you desire most of all to be seen as real women. And straight men like real women.
Here’s a hard truth for you boys: a woman’s femininity is defined by her being a biological woman. Not by whether or not men throw pebbles at her window while she prepares for bed. Your desperation for straight men to like you proves you’re not real ladies. A biological woman doesn’t need a straight man to whistle at her to feel like a woman. She feels like a woman because she is one.
Sorry, boys. Real women you will never be. Ergo, straight men (on the whole) will never find you worthy of their attention. You may have succeeded in dressing the part of a lady. Or how you think a lady should appear. But you cannot project your desires on the real world as easily as you’ve altered your own. Women are much more than long tresses, stuffed bras, and mascara. Which straight men and women have known before breaking the one rule in the Garden of Eden.