Dear Europeans who look down their noses at Americans,
Your collective countries which form the European Union are as desirable a place to live as a hovel under an American bridge. Though let’s be honest, the hovel is probably cleaner. Also, our bridge trolls are less likely to blow you up than a Syrian refugee. Sure, not all the MILLIONS of refugees you let into your country are terrorists. But many probably are. How many? You’ll find out soon. My official estimate is “too many.” Circle back in a few months to worship me as your oracle. Also, send your hate-tweets to @Scrowder and I’ll be sure to get back to you immediately. Immediately!
Let’s get to the real reason you hate us. Well, reasons. In the spirit of civility, I’ll ignore the obvious jealousy of our superior dental hygiene.
Europeans often talk of American “arrogance.” How people abroad don’t like us. Partly because of this supposed arrogance. Well, after thinking about it, after praying about it, after writing a lengthy pro/con list, I’ve come to a serious conclusion: I have zero craps to give. Go ahead, call us arrogant. Stand on top of a table in a snooty French restaurant and mock the Yankees. My blessing? You have it. Get the point?
We have plenty of good reasons to believe we’re better than Europe. Mainly because we are. The key to pulling off arrogance is similar to mastering a great suit. Believe it. Live it. Love it. I’ve embraced American arrogance more heartily than you’ve embraced the Syrian refugees. But not as heartily as you should embrace dentists (okay that was the last one).
So often we hear “The United States is the only industrialized world without a nationalized healthcare plan. Or free school. Or free access to…” well, just pick the thing to which you feel most entitled. You know what I think whenever you start with that meme? Big. Effing. Deal. I can buy my own healthcare. I can pay for my own education. I don’t need free access to anything. I’m a man. I pay my own way. You know what? Millions of Americans do the same. It’s called individualism, you socialist drones.
Trigger Arrogance Warning: We’re also the only country to have fought off the world’s greatest super power (Britain) a couple of centuries ago. Sure, the French helped us a bit. Thanks for that, by the way. Still, we kicked Britain’s pasty white ass. We did it only to become the world’s next greatest superpower in record short oder. Then we did it again fighting off the Germans in this little skirmish called World War II. After which we helped rebuild your countries. Yes, the arrogant Americans are responsible for your countries being more than mere rabbles of dust to begin with. Chew on that. But floss first (last one).
We’re also the only said superpower to remain said superpower without simply conquering the globe through violence, despite the fact that we could. Why could we? We have the best
weaponry everything. We have the best guns, missiles, bombs, surveillance, armies, navies, marines and air power. Canada (my half-homeland) is allowed to exist as a sovereign nation by the United States merciful grace. Could we conquer them and take their stuff? Sure. Could they do anything about it? No. Do we? No. For world super-powers throughout history, that’s a first. Again I invite you to chew on that. I’d encourage you to gargle afterward (no more, I promise).
Oh and I’m just getting started. The U S of A is the only country to invent the lightbulb, Internet and Pop Tarts. Imagine coming down from your pot high without Pop Tarts. Also, the first to the moon. Look, I could go on and on. Frankly I’m rather inspired to keep listing all the accomplishments of America. But even arrogance has its limits. I’ll just summarize with this: America is the only country who does a lot of things. We’re the only country who is known for leading in innovation. You know who’s always “the only person” doing things? Champions.
“Oh Americans think it’s their job to police the world!” said every non-champion who left the birth canal reluctantly. I’m generally a non-interventionist, but you know why people believe America should police the world? Because we’re the only ones who can. See above paragraph regarding our fantastic military might.
That Christian being burnt alive in a cage? That woman receiving a forced abortion in a communist North Korean camp? Captain Phillips being held hostage by Somali pirates? None are praying for the swift arrival of Belgian troops. They’re not hoping for French air support. Complete with baguettes. America is the only chance they’ve got to survive, to be free.
“Yeah, but Americans don’t believe in science!” said every skinny jean-wearing hipster who suckles at the government teet. First, science just is. It’s based on facts, on proven facts. One doesn’t “believe” in gravity. Gravity is. One doesn’t “believe” that life is carbon-based. It just is. However, “believing” that gender is fluid, “believing” global warming is manmade and that Hillary Clinton can fix it, isn’t science. See how that works? Also, America has the best schools in the world and has made more medical/scientific advancements than any nation ever. Why do you think everyone wants to come to America? Other than easy access to toothpaste (only a few more)?
“But the United Nations! They’re the real peace keepers in the world!” Okay, now that’s just stupid. You must be gender-fluid. Look it, all of these international agreements are designed to ride on American coat tails. Which would be fine if said nations didn’t bitch about the coat tails that brought them there. To this day, who do European nations call when they’re up feces creek with nothing but a spatula? It’s not Sweden. Even if they’re calling on NATO or the UN, who’s the muscle behind it? Here’s a hint: it’s not the Netherlands. Nope, not Finland. Not Spain. Keep guessing, you’ll get there.
Also the USA is the only country with freedom of speech. So that’s a pretty big one. Best point for last. Free speech means I can call all you Erupeans spineless, toothless, cotton-headed ninnymuggins without political reprucussions. Angela Merkel is a witch. See? Nothing happened. Witch, witch, witch. And yet, here I remain.
Europe is crumbling. It’s done. If you want to look down your noses at us, fine. I’d rather look down my nose than at the glaring reality of Europe’s pending fall. In the history books, Europe is just another dumbass in the dirt, while the longest standing free republic marches on.
When you inevitably needs us again, we’ll still be here for you. Kicking ass.