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September 30, 2019
Could Quarterback Cam Newton's Recent String of Sucky Performances Be Blamed on Veganism?
Carolina Panther's quarterback Cam Newton is, according to a lot of video evidence, kind of an over-emotional, braggadocious spoiled brat. A poor winner and a sore loser. Sorry to all you Panthers fans, but the dude melts down on the sidelines when things don't go his way, then dabs like a puffed-up peacock when things go well. Sportsmanship. Not always a thing for Cam. ANYWAY, Cam's recent performance on the field has been looked upon with skepticism as it's been a bit lacking. This has led many to question Cam's recent adaptation of the "I'm a better person than you, here try my buffalo faux chicken that's actually cauliflower poppers and tell me those aren't as good as the real thing" diet. Veganism. Cam is a recent vegan. From the Charlotte Observer:
The Observer spoke to several sports nutritionists, dietitians and trainers about Newton’s plant-based diet, and they all came to the same conclusion:
What Newton is eating — or rather, isn’t — may be contributing to his on-field struggles and his body’s ability to recovery from injury.
Listen, the only reason we slap around vegans is that it's easy and fun. So if you're offended because you're a vegan, I'm so sorry but you know... There's more to come.
“Go back to 2015 Cam, badass Cam. He was a pescatarian,” said Chris Howard, a certified nutritionist and strength and conditioning coach from Waxhaw. “Salmon, shrimp, you get a lot of good fats and complete proteins. In fact, (fish) is one of the best protein sources there is.
Have you guys tried tuna with mayo, sweet relish and tossed in some buttered sauteed kale with a little cheddar cheese? It's basically crack.
“Now you take away the most valuable part of that (diet), and ... there’s just no way around it: He can’t recover as well with less nutrients, with less calories and with less muscle mass. It’s just not going to happen.”
Listen, if you want to be a vegan, that's your choice. I'm sorry we can't be friends, but I'm not that cool to begin with. Cam Newton's job, the entire reason he's paid, is to be an athletic powerhouse. His entire career is based on his talent and athleticism. So unlike the Antifa noodle boys taking out their frustrations over their inability to get women without stalking them, Cam has no real reason to be a vegan. Oh sure, he may claim to love God's creatures great and small, but veganism actually harms more of God's creatures great and small than traditional diets which include God's creatures. We covered this already. Watch EXPOSED: Veganism is Worse for the Planet!
Seems Cam isn't getting enough calories or enough protein from those calories on a vegan diet. Which could be solved with a salmon. A ribeye. Heck, even a chicken or two. Dead animals, in addition to being quite tasty, pack protein and healthy fats like no tofu sampler ever can.
But honestly, my main concern is how this veganism is going to make Cam even more of an insufferable doucheburrito than he already is. I'm not sure there are studies to the contrary, but I bet an extra helping of chickpeas in lieu of pulled pork actually makes people more assholish than they were before. The science is settled.