Ever wonder what happens when someone with good intentions has a stupid idea? The chestfeeding kit, that’s what happens. A young woman in England wants to help dads help the mother of their babies breastfeed. Yes, this is real. Let’s regroup after the story, because we’ll need to hold hands and hug this out:
Marie-Claire Springham, a product design student at Central Saint Martin’s, is in the process of making a ‘chestfeeding kit’.
The idea behind the product is for dads to be able to help mums who are struggling to breastfeed their newborns.
Pause. In my 34 years of being a woman, I’ve never once heard a mother say “I wish my husband would breastfeed our children, this is such a pain.” Nor have I ever heard a father say “I really wish I could help feed my child. If only my knockers would swell with la leche.”
Maybe I have the wrong friends. Or maybe I don’t.
Still in the conception stage, the kit is yet to be tested, but contains a cocktail of hormones that the man would take while his partner is pregnant, in order to “grow milk ducts”.
Second pause. I’ve never met or heard of a straight woman — who likes men — wanting her husband to have bigger boobs. Or any man. In fact, if anything, smaller boobs. Most straight women I know spend zero time, ZERO time, wishing men’s mostly decorative mammaries became less decorative. Straight women like straight men to have decorative nipples only. I can’t hit this point hard enough. Man nips serve no function at all, and that’s fine with us let’s please keep it that way my God in heaven. Related: There’s Now Lacy Lingerie for Men. Sweet Meteor of Death, Strike Us Now.
The main hormone is progestin, a form of the female sex hormone progesterone, which helps to stimulate production of milk-producing glands.
Why are we still talking about this? Oh right, I promised a discussion. Sorry for the continued interruptions.
Marie-Claire hopes her idea will help to stop fathers from feeling left out when raising their baby and believes the kit could be available in five years time.
But it’s possible that the product may never see the light of day, as doctors have urged caution and warned that there’s no proof men can even grow milk ducts.
M’kay. So child-rearing includes more than just whipping out the ta-ta for baby to suckle. I get it, breastfeeding creates a mother-child bond that papa can’t directly enjoy. Sure. But why are we screwing with the system when no one wants it screwed with? Seriously, guys, who among you seriously wishes he could breastfeed his kid?
Maybe dads who’re feeling left out when raising their baby could, and I’m just spit-balling here, do other things for the child. I know, we’re getting crazy. Maybe dads could, just hear me out, change diapers. Maybe dad could like, wait for it… burp the baby. I know, insanity. But wait, there’s more ideas. Maybe dad could like, and this is wild, talk to the child. Sing to it. Rock it to sleep. If that’s too radical, you’ll hate this next idea: when the child is older, maybe dad plays with it.
We should probably stop right there. My mind is about to explode.
Here’s what we shouldn’t do: pump men full of hormones so their man bewbs lactate. If that’s even possible. If it’s somehow possible, please don’t do it oh my God.
We don’t need lactation equality. Not now. Not ever. Stop it. Stop it before it’s too late and God walks back His promise not to wipe us out with a flood.
Also wrong. Even in cartoon form.