Who doesn’t want to read yet another listicle at the end of the year? For reading just this last listicle, I award you seven brownie points, two gold stars, and a soft pretzel. Shaped like a potted plant. Hey, it’s the end of the year, I can use the potted plant joke just once more.
Yes, here’s my 2017 list of people I would let drown. Offering nothing but a wave as they flounder. Maybe a coy smile. Send them off to hell with some charming snark.
In no particular order (but still ordered, thanks OCD):
1. Las Vegas Shooter: committing one of the worst acts of human violence of our century (with a still mysterious motive, as if the media and authorities hoped we’d forget) is number one on my list. Stephen Paddock killed 58 people, injured over 500 more, before taking his own life. The circumstances leading up to Paddock’s shooting of 58 people were surrounded in mystery. The motive, again I say, is still unknown.
2. Harvey Weinstein. Harvey gets to rep all the dick-headed cock-gobblers (new insult I’m borrowing from a friend) of Hollywood. A well-earned honor for the former movie mogul turned full time swamp demon. Harvey wooed aspiring ladies of tinseltown with crooning renditions of “Watch Me Pleasure Myself” and “Jizzing Jizzing Everywhere, But Not Enough for This Plant” (last plant joke, I promise!). He was even accused of actual rape. Not to be confused with “He wasn’t as good as I wanted, plus I was drunk… ergo, rape?” rape of the feminist variety. Weinstein’s downfall lead to a massive eruption of other cases, which we documented over the year. Hence he gets top honor. It’s the only honor left for him.
3. Hillary Clinton. The never to be president just won’t take a hint. Here incessant whining, bitching, and general unpleasantness (best represented by her face) forced me to write a long-winded rant against her, aptly titled Dear Hillary Clinton: You Lost Because America Hates You. I don’t think she’s subscribed to LWC push notifications though, so there’s a chance she missed it. In addition to writing a book no one read, it was revealed Hillary’s campaign was partially responsible for the Russian Dossier. Hillary was also close with Harvey Weinstein (above), using his semem-crusted cash to fund her failed campaign. Then of course, Donna Brazile revealed how Hillary cast out Bernie Sanders so she could one day be anointed Snow Queen. Let’s also not forget the time Hillary tried blaming silencers and the NRA for the Las Vegas Shooting.
All I want for 2018 is for Hillary to leave humanity alone. Enough already.
4. Maxine Waters. Gotta hand it to you, California. You have both Nancy Pelosi and Maxine Waters. Those are some national treasures rivaled only by used Danskos at Goodwill. Maxine makes the list for a simple reason: she’s a pain in the ass. A pain in the ass who accuses others of being actual asses. It’s ass-ception. Earlier this year, Maxine announced her plans to impeach Mike Pence. Obviously after she successfully impeaches Donald Trump. As Pence is only VICE President. Read Maxine Waters Already Plans on Impeaching Mike Pence. If stupidity were a criminal offense, Maxine would get 25 to life.
5. CNN. Technically CNN isn’t a person, but they are villains of a foolish nature. Like Darth Vader’s Empire only with more f*ck-ups. Earlier this year, you’ll remember, CNN, in concert with the laser-pointer chasers at BuzzFeed, went all in on TRUMP AND RUSSIA. Running the now debunked Russian Dossier. In which Trump’s sexual predilections were described in urinary terms of a slutty nature. CNN has been scrambling to get back into the good books of relevance ever since. Only to up the dumbass ante:
- WATCH: Truck Blocks CNN From Stalking Trump, They Hysterically Pretend It’s Serious News
- Serious News: CNN Runs Story on Dog’s Ear that Looks Like Trump
- WATCH: Patriot Troll Master Yells ‘CNN is Fake News!’ LIVE on CNN
- HERO: Clay Travis on CNN Says ‘I believe in the First Amendment and Boobs.’ Yes, Really!
- Crowder’s 16-Hour CNN Torture Livestream Christmas Special!
6. Keith Olbermann. I almost feel sorry for Keith. Almost. Seems like Keith is trapped in a basement of adolescence. Where he uses giant kraft paper as a camera backdrop for his sad show. A show he used as a way to scream about Donald Trump, anointing himself a pseudo-leader of THE RESISTANCE. His show, now gone, was nothing but a desperate cry for attention. Someone give Keith a hug. He wasn’t loved as a child. Or as an adult.
7. Cecile Richards. Making the 2017 list, and likely next year’s list, is the madam of baby slaughter herself, Ma Cecile Richards. I can think of no title more evil than head of Planned Parenthood. Read Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards has a Mother’s Day Message?
8. Fusion GPS. This is the opposition research firm revealed as the authors of the Russian Dossier. But the firm also had undisclosed ties to CNN. In addition to trying to take down Trump, it was also exposed this year that Fusion GPS was hired to smear the undercover Planned Parenthood videos. So they made this year’s evil cut.
9. Linda Sarsour. The Jew-hating feminist first made headlines when she headlined the Pussy Parade of Embarrassment, also known as The Women’s March. Since then, Linda has gotten into quite a bit of trouble with morality:
- Courtney Love Throws Down on Hateful, ‘Anti-Semetic’ Linda Sarsour
- BOMBSHELL: Feminist Linda Sarsour Allegedly Enabled Sexual Assault Against Women
- Feminist Linda Sarsour Exploits Hurricane Victims to Raise Funds for Political Activism
- Jake Tapper Calls Out Linda Sarsour for Supporting a Cop-Killing Fugitive
10. Four Thugs Who Beat up a Disabled Boy. For being white. You remember this one. We rung in 2017 with these kids. Four black teens live streamed their torturing of a disabled white boy. Because they were upset Trump won the election. They at least deserve to be honored in a worst list of 2017. If not of human history.
Honorable mentions: The cackling harpies of The View continued to haunt our waking nightmares this year. Also shout out to Sheila Jackson Lee, who snuck in the final weeks of 2017 with her entitled bitch ways.
Happy New Year!