Trump derangement syndrome is a real thing. People who are triggered into violence by the mere sight of a MAGA hat may not be safe to themselves, others, or society at large. We’re talking about hats, people. Hats. A woman in Arizona fessed up to slashing someone’s tire all because she saw a MAGA hat inside the car. Not a MAGA hat armed with two submachine guns shooting puppies. No, a MAGA hat just sitting inside a car, alone. Without the windows rolled down.
Nick Dugas left work at Paradise Valley Mall at 1:30 on a recent Saturday afternoon and noticed his SUV listing to the left. Looking closer, Dugas saw a clean 3-inch slit through the neck of the Michelin man. His tire had been cut.
Surveillance video showed:
At 12:40 p.m., a car parked next to his SUV. Four women got out. Two of them peered into his vehicle — where there was a red “Make America Great Again” hat on the console.
The women went into a store, reappeared seven minutes later and got into their car. But a minute later, the driver and front passenger got out again.
She got out again to slash the tire of someone who dared think differently than she did. Making her a word I’m not supposed to write explicitly due to the nature of the nastiness of the word. But it has four letters, three consonants, one vowel which rhymes with “you.”
Our precious babe here later fessed to the police the reason she went all Barber of Fleet Street was simply because of the MAGA hat.
“She later told police that it was because she saw a hat with a political message inside the vehicle which she disagreed with,” spokesman Sgt. Vincent Lewis said in an email.
She was cited for criminal damage, a Class 2 misdemeanor, punishable by up to four months in jail and a $750 fine.
For his part, Nick Dugas, the victim, is calling this crime what it is: nothing more than hate. But is trying to also forgive the odious poop nugget for what she did.
“No one has a right to destroy property because they don’t agree with someone else,” Dugas said. “Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine being the victim of pure hate because of my belief.”
Imagine being so entitled in your belief system you take it upon yourself to destroy someone’s property. Over embroidered words on a red hat. Whatever happened to just rolling your eyes? Every time I see an old Subaru Forester with the COEXIST bumper sticker I just LOL to myself and try imagining what the driver looks like. It’s not hard. Usually short, pudgy, butch hair, bad shoes, hates corporations while running into Whole Foods.
In a statement to the court, Dugas wrote, “In this case, the right thing to do is to forgive you rather than spill hatred onto you like you did to me. Rather than wish upon you the same fear you wished upon me that day. But I really hope that you are listening. Just because I have a different yet equally as important view as you do, it doesn’t EVER give you the right to spew hate, cause fear, and interrupt someone else’s life.”
Yeah, but the hat is literally Hitler risen from the dead. A MAGA hat acts completely on its own. It kills. It rapes virgins. It puts whole cream in its coffee. It mocks people who mock soy. How dare anyone have such a symbol of hate in their possession.