Dear UNEMPLOYED Millennials who took a long enough break from Pokemon to read this post,
Yes, this post? For the unemployed, whiny, entitled Millennial who bitches about everything. You employed Millennials? Feel free to read. Or to resume Pokemon GO, this post isn’t aimed at you. We good?
I have a love/hate relationship with you people. You always have some excuse as to why you can’t accomplish a thing. It doesn’t seem to matter what that thing is, hence my deeming it “a thing.” One day you’re bitching about college debt (which you signed on for), the next day you’re blaming the economy (despite you having a useless degree). Then you’ll blame the United States, as you shift your hopes and dreams to the hand-waving bag of bones Bernie Sanders. You blame capitalism, you blame “corporations,” you just blame, blame, blame everyone but your gosh darn selves for your failings.
Hey, as I stated in Dear Millennials: Your Love of Socialism Could Be America’s Downfall, some of your complaints? Valid. I agree, you got screwed a few places in the bumpy road called life. I’ve met plenty a Millennial, and you’ve had some hardships. Okay? Okay.
But this past week, with the release of Pokemon GO, you proved you are actually capable of working at something. Your efforts are just woefully misplaced. Embarrassingly misplaced. Bump into me while you’re playing your little game, I’ll throw shade. Maybe toss in a lecture for good measure.
That’s right, you people complain about everything, but when push comes to Pikachu, you’re motivated. Like a feminist at an all you can eat cake-eating contest. You’re motivated not to find employment, not to better your lives, but to catch Pokemons.
Am I blaming Pokemon GO for anything? No. I want to make that clear. Neither Niantic nor Nintendo is to blame for unemployed Millennials who crash their cars into police cruisers. Yes, that actually happened.
ALSO, this post? It’s for the unemployed Millennials who complain about everything, but can play Pokemon GO all day long. If you’re an employed Millennial who plays the game because it’s a fun game to play, this post? Doesn’t. Apply. To. You. Needed to add this little paragraph after some angry Pokemon GO tweeters got all hurty over the title and content of this post. Allow me to use this tweeter, who is not offended, to elaborate:
I'd like to inform @Courtneyscoffs that not all "millennials" r lazy gender studies students. Also, Pokemon Go is played by a wide age group
— Phil Plays Games (@PhilGamesYT) July 21, 2016
Which is why this post is for Millennials. Without jobs. Who complain about not having said jobs and blame the world for it. See first paragraph.
Because your article was written in a way to say if you play the game you must be a piece of crap that needs a life. https://t.co/X6qgTyULrI
— Phil Plays Games (@PhilGamesYT) July 21, 2016
If all someone does is play this game all day long because that someone doesn’t have a job (but complains about it), then yes. That someone needs a life. #Caring
It may not be you, the person reading this post, but it’s someone. No job, complains about it, plays Pokemon GO with plenty of enthusiasm. See the problem here? If you get offended easily even if this doesn’t apply to you… yikes.
Now that’s taken care of, let’s get back to the guts of the post. The macro issues. Because I am interested in what the enthusiasm for Pokemon GO proves. Because yes, it proves something. Yes, it proves more than how lame you are. Hence I’m writing this lecture fest for your blurry-visioned eyes to read.
Despite all your hardships, despite all your obstacles, you still have the drive to win.
That’s a good thing. Nay, a great thing.
The reason some games are more popular than others is their ability to tap into innate human desires. Look no farther than the harpies who bitch about Super Mario to understand why boys and men, even now, retreat to a video game to rescue a pixelated woman. Not exactly rocket science.
Pokemon GO taps into the desire to explore and conquer, to capture things (Pokemons), and bring them into your will.
Any SJW reading that description will absolutely Lose. Their. Crap over my assessment as to why Pokemon GO is as popular as it is. I make no apologies. I also still haven’t played Pokemon GO. Because, you know, gainful employment.
Which means you, the Millennial who makes many an excuse to dismiss your multiple failings, have the drive to win, the ability to succeed, and dedication of focus. If only you could channel that ability into something useful. Take that drive to overcome obstacles and maybe, I don’t know, GET A JOB.
Frankly this new found drive of yours? Great news. It means the liberal education system you were shoved through like Tess Holliday into a corset, didn’t kill your ambitions. State Education tried to rewire you into thinking success and ambitions were goals not worth seeking, but your hard-wiring says otherwise. I mean, how many Pokemon do you have? Case in point.
When you’ve grown tired of catching Pokemon (if you ever grow tired of it), you’ll have to rejoin the playing field of reality. Look at it like it’s a game. No, it may never be as much fun as an actual game, I’ll grant you that, still, there are rules and obstacles to overcome in real life far more challenging than your augmented reality.
Yes, I’m well aware my attempts to be metaphorical and deep may come off as child-like. But the sentiment is valid, so indulge me for just a bit.
If you seek new experiences or better yet, employment, like you are seeking out Pokemon, pretty soon your reality will outpace the augmented one. Perhaps you can reach a point in your life where playing a game is just that: a game. It will not replace your actual, real life, because your real life will be fulfilling enough. You won’t need to replace it with a digital one where you’re catching Pokemons. Rather than collecting digital creatures, maybe you should catch worthy goals. A great salary. A career worth having. Just suggestions…
So the next time one of you Millennials gets on a tirade as to why you can’t do “the thing,” I’m going to tell you to stop being a whining little bitch. Sorry for the tough love. You have the basic, human drive to achieve. There is nothing wrong with achieving, either. But don’t make your achievement a collection of pixels. Make it a goal that actually pays off.
Now go win something meaningful.
Written by Courtney Kirchoff
Updated with MULTIPLE disclaimers for you employed Millennials who simply enjoy this game because it’s just a game. Again, THIS POST ISN’T AIMED AT YOU. Chill out already.