If you have a job, a family, a life, or standards, it’s likely you haven’t seen this video of “slam” poetry by Megan Falley and Olivia Gatwood. Here’s the gist: all feminists stereotypes wrapped in one nauseating segment slamming Mario. Wait, Mario who you’re asking? I can see where you may be confused. These dingbats are slamming Mario the video game character Mario. The little Italian plumber in red. Why would they slam Mario? Because he’s the patriarchy. Otherwise known as Male Oppression. Do try to keep up.
I know, right? It’s okay, I’m here to rebut these chicks and will use as many feminist-banned terms as possible. Trigger-warning: body-shaming, hair-shaming, attire-shaming, intellegence-shaming ahead. Buckle up.
Before we go on, I should state for the record it’s been about twenty years since I played Mario. So if during any part of his rebuttal I get something about Mario wrong, I beg your nerdy forgiveness.
Okay, of course these non-damsels are aware Mario is a game played primarily by boys. Because video games tap into a bigger psychological picture, it’s also not lost on me these broads are attacking intrinsic male drives. Specifically: man persues woman. Man likes saving woman. Man enjoys the quest to save woman.
These babes are bothered that men think saving a woman is a game. They find it oppressive. How dare a man enjoy his quest to save the princess. How dare, in other words, a man be a man. Because yes, men enjoy the chase. They enjoy the challenge of trying to get the girl. See also any and all team sports. Or golf. Hunting, even. Men like chasing things. It’s fun for them. So Mario the game and the character is a reflection of an innate male drive to pursue. It’s about the quest. For Mario the reward is a Princess.
Well these pimply blimpies are none too pleased that any man, digital or the one controlling the pixels, would dare derive any sense of pleasure from saving a woman. Sure, these two harpies are merely products of a feminist generation. They’ve been taught to be anti-men every waking minute. Therefore the worst crime any male could ever commit is wanting to marry the princess he’s fought hard to attain. Even if he enjoyed that fight.
That’s when these twin sisters of terrible insult Mario. They insult his job. They insult his brother. The insult his wardrobe. Which is rich when you look at the doll on the right. Seriously, did she grab that shirt from a hamper? I know you’re a feminist my lovely, but maybe an iron? Or is an iron just another tool of the patriarchy? Fine, at least toss it in the dryer for a bit. Did your mother teach you nothing?
ANYWAY, she insults the digital hero who just saved the digital princess. In other words, you men who would dare pursue these two divas of dowdy? YOU ARE NOT WORTHY! How dare you be a plumber when you should’ve been a CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Or the altruistic leader of a failing non-profit. Methinks though if you have a penis, nothing would be good enough for these girls.
But my favorite part is when these little peaches list the issues women have to deal with as they lay in a castle. They say Princess Peach hired Bowser as a bouncer, to prevent little turds like Mario from “rescuing them.” Why? Because body image, rape culture, motherhood, and no one will let her wear anything but a pink dress.
For any feminists reading this post: this is why many women hate feminists. This is why those of us women who hate feminists say feminists hate men. These two beyotches are angry. They’re angry at men for acting like men. They’re angry over fake controversies they continue to stir up at any opportunity. Like rape culture. It’s not real. Unless it’s in Islam. Body image? Ladies, if you don’t like that you’re unattractive, don’t blame the rest of us for finding you unattractive. Speaking of that, read Feminist Photographer Makes a Stand… By Only Taking Ugly Pictures?!
This dynamic duo ends their slam with a slam on real men. See, told you Mario was just a vehicle. They berate creepy men who want sex. They berate men who like rape. They berate these sorts of men as if creeps are the norm.
Are there creepy men out there? Of course. But as these two women illustrate, there are plenty of terrible women.
This is modern feminism: a cyclical, latent hatred of men and all men represent. Even their video games.
But here’s the takeaway: Mario wouldn’t save these princesses. A man who pursues, a man who enjoys a quest, isn’t going to bother chasing a woman who whines, bitches, moans about fake controversies or male behavior. Heroic men prefer women who, dare I say it, appreciate men for all that men are.
Which is why these women hate those men so much. These women hate that men don’t like them. Yep, I said it.
So to men reading this? Not all women are these two mindless double-x chromosome she-devils. These two women, and their fellow feminist ilk, bask in the negative energy of their own beliefs. They radiate misery. They’ve brought it on themselves and they’re determined to take you down with them.
Adventure on, boys. Find a princess worthy of your heroism. There are plenty out there who would love for you to slay their dragons. Some may even wear dresses. Pink ones.
Written by Courtney Kirchoff