Feeling powerless, hairy and unloved? Have you ever smelled your morning breath and thought "I could make this into a fragrance"? Do you wish hooked noses would be as sexually appealing as a large chested woman and a wide-shouldered adonis? You're in luck, my pretty. Witchcraft is making its double double toil and trouble way into the mainstream. Well. It's trying. It may need a bit of an engorgement spell for it to actually matter to millions of people who primarily use their brain for cogent thoughts. But here to hex people with his weird, a transgender witch (so on the nose), from Brooklyn to make spellcasting... well, a thing.

Witchcraft is thriving in the US, with an estimated 1.5 million Americans now identifying as witches - more than the total number of Presbyterians.

Pause. Let the muggles crunch some numbers. There are 325 million people in the United States. There are 1.5 million witches. That's about 0.46 percent of the population. I'm not sure I'd use the word "thrive" for such an embarrassing number that's not even half of a percent.

Also, Presbyterianism is just one branch of Protestantism, which is a branch of Christianity, of which 70-75% of the country, depending on which poll you look to, adheres. Which means Christianity is roughly 150 times more popular than witchcraft.

Saying "witchcraft has the same numbers as this one branch of Christianity, therefore, witchcraft is thriving" is rather like saying Americans have a fascination with dry active yeast. Since, you know, bread.

It was a stretch, but Americans are far less entranced with witchcraft as they are soccer hooliganism, Michelle Obama's fashion choices, or Cher's freshly clipped toenails.

But let's continue.

As Christianity declines across the country, paganism has swung to the mainstream, with witchcraft paraphernalia for sale on every high street and practices normalized across popular culture. In the past two years, it has also become darkly politicized.

Huh? "Paganism has swung into the mainstream" what now? Where? Did I miss the potions aisle at Whole Foods again? Damnit.

Dakota Bracciale, a 29-year-old transgender/queer witch and co-owner of Catland Books and witch shop in Brooklyn, is pleased with the outcome of the ritual hex placed on US Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh in October. The curse, carried out from Catland Books, was well attended by witches, atheists ad humanists - and was followed around the country on social media.

Ooooooh, now I get it. Witchcraft is for people who want to be in the mainstream but are just characters from Portlandia. Rather than adhering to basic grooming rituals like teeth-brushing or nose-hair-trimming, we get this article about how witchcraft is destined to push Jesus out of the driver's seat.

Look it, if you have the time and you're feeling a little hexxy, go read the full article. In it, Dakota Bracciale, the tranny witch doctor, talks about how he successfully hexxed both Kavanaugh and Trump. Ah hell, it's Christmas. Here are some tidbits:

Bracciale is “absolutely” willing to cause physical harm through a hex - “no issue with that”. And while Bracciale would have been just as pleased with the new Supreme Court Justice’s death, resignation or physical disfigurement, the main goal of the Kavanaugh hex, and the three hexes on President Donald Trump from Catland Books this summer, was to “let them be exposed for who they are - especially as impotent men”. The curse began with a recitation of the Biblical scripture Psalm 109: 8: “let his days be few, let another take his office.”

If Barcciale is so convinced of his witchcraftery, why didn't Kavanaugh get disfigured instead of becoming a Justice? Just asking questions.

It's doubtful mainstream witchcraft will ever be a real thing, as snazzy as a tattered robe and rotted teeth look. But since transgenderism, the belief you are what you believe you are and damn anyone who questions your personal reality, has taken hold in our backward culture, people who think they're witches are trying to make witchcraft the next big spiritual movement.

The article points out witchcraft is growing as Christianity declines. Well sure, but all that proves is people need something to believe in. When Christianity is ridiculed, ostracized, and shamed daily, people retreat and go somewhere a little more spellbinding.

Lo and behold, new witches are told they're special. What's not to love? Besides being a weirdo. But 2018 has been the year of the weird.

Who knows, maybe 2019 will be the Year of the Toadstool Sitters.

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