With the words “tree hugger” one imagines a long-haired girl in floral print dancing around a shrub oak, her hairy legs brushing against the branches in a tantalizing fashion (see Hippie Berkeley Protesters Strip Down For… Trees? and Liberal Press Demands Instead of Veterans… We Should Honor Pot-Smoking Hippies). Her unwashed stench can be smelt from great distances.
But wait, it gets even sicker. Tree huggers have taken on a whole new dirty side which goes beyond platonic hugging.
We’re sorry to introduce some “nature sex” to both confuse, and make you wish for the end of the world.
Four years ago, when art Professor Elizabeth Stephens filmed the documentary “Ecosexual Love Story,” in which she and her partner licked trees, played with mud, and made love with the environment while naked, the term “ecosexuality” was still somewhat unknown.
Stephens, chair of the art department at the public university, is set to debut her latest documentary “Water Makes Us Wet.” Its premiere is slated for this week in Germany as part of a large art exhibition.
You can’t make this stuff up. You can’t conjure it from the deepest, darkest depths of your deranged soul. After this, you won’t be able to take a hike without thinking about this atrocity. You’re welcome?
“We make love with the Earth. We are aquaphiles, teraphiles, pyrophiles and aerophiles. We shamelessly hug trees, massage the earth with our feet and talk erotically to plants. We are skinny dippers, sun worshippers, and stargazers. We caress rocks, are pleasured by waterfalls, and admire the Earth’s curves often. We make love with the Earth through our senses. We celebrate our E-spots. We are very dirty.”
But wait! There’s more to this trend. Order now and you’ll receive a quote for the kiddos from Teen Vogue:
Whether it’s masturbating with water pressure, using eco-friendly lubricant, or literally having sex with a tree — a person of any sexual proclivity who finds eroticism in nature, or believes that making environmentalism sexy will slow the planet’s destruction, can be ecosexual.
You should know Teen Vogue will turn your child into a depressed, non-binary drag queen who worships Satan and water skis naked on the weekends. Just don’t. But back to the tree huggers.
And they wonder why we mock them with such gusto. Ecosexuals are serious, and they’re voting Democrat. Now being “environmentally conscious” has morphed from toting canvas bags to Whole Foods, to doing the nasty with a tree. Which begs the question: how can a tree give consent? How can a rock give consent? The gushing water pressure? Are “ecosexuals” raping the environment or are they saving it? Curious minds…