Dear Politically Correct Multiculturalists,
I know, I know, I’m a racist jerk, blahblahblah. Just get that out of the way first so that I can continue on writing this letter. Everytime May 5th rolls around, I never even realize it… until some moron blottoed on Negra Modelo wishes me a happy “Cinco De Mayo.” I don’t know why I’m supposed to care. Even worse, I don’t know why other people feel compelled to make me care. It seems that every year, more and more people are pushing this as a legitimate holiday to celebrate in America for no reason other than to congratulate ourselves on our post-ethnocentric, Holiday tolerance. And believe me, I use that word loosely. Cinco De Mayo is barely tolerable. Let me give you an example.
At the disappointing Mayweather-Pacquiao fight this Saturday, they played the Mexican national anthem. Only neither fighter was Mexican. At first I thought that somebody running the soundboard made a horrible mistake by confusing Manny with one of the many other mini-sized latino boxers, until the announcer came and grabbed the mic.
“In honor of Cinco De Mayo…”
… It was May 2nd. So not only do we have to act like we care on the day of, but we can now enjoy a useless countdown for the entire week prior.
Listen, if you want to celebrate Cinco De Mayo, fine. If you want to act like Mexico today is anything other than a bastion of poverty, violations of human rights, corrupt government and drug cartels, that’s fine too. Their food’s delicious and absolves many sins. I get it.
But I’ve been to Mexico. Not just “tourist” Mexico, but the real Mexico where rich, white, liberal Americans would never dare set foot. Heck, most second-generation Mexican immigrants have never been… by choice. It’s not a place I feel inclined to celebrate.
And honestly, I don’t think that the Mexican people harbor any bad feelings for my saying that. How many of them celebrate Independence Day in Veracruz? How many celebrate President’s Day in Talea De Castro? This doesn’t apply to merely Mexico, but any country not named the United States of America. So why do liberals act like it’s some great sin when Americans don’t want to celebrate marketing-driven foreign holidays here?
Now, here’s the real question: how many of those people are willing to risk their lives to flee Mexico for even the chance to live here in America?
There you go. So instead of shameless pandering, let’s welcome our Mexican immigrants with open arms, and introduce them to American culture. The culture that created lightbulbs and airplanes, the culture that gives them clean water and safe roads, the culture that affords them the freedoms their previous land never could. Because what’s more worthy of celebration than that?
Sincerely, an insensitive, ethnocentric jerk.