Dear “pretty” people who utter stupid thoughts to overcompensate for low IQs:
You’re as predictable as a Rom-Com formula. As thoughtless as a fight training sequence. As boring as a third car chase in the same film. Hey, when will the bad guys learn to drive? Or shoot? Endless ammo supply, zero accuracy.
Which acts as a fade to black for my next point: after every shooting, you, our most doltish celebrities, burst from your at-home spas to grab your phones, in a race to shit post the most hateful, stupid take on guns, the NRA, or simply people who prefer to lock and load.
For reference, here are the finalists in this round of Hunger Games: Clash of the Halfwits:
Yep. Just as I politicized it after Parkland and Las Vegas and Charleston and all the others before. And just like I'll politicize it when the next one happens. And the one after that. Because the NRA, a terrorist organization, did nothing. https://t.co/oTXzCAnyhK
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 4, 2018
I could’ve scrolled through Mr. Black’s timeline for eons, picking out as many inane tweets about guns as I’d like. In efforts to save time, I chose one tweet where he admits to politicizing shootings. And where he blames the National Rifle Association, “a terrorist organization” for doing nothing about mass shooters. Despite none of the shooters having any affiliation with the NRA. Unless we’re talking about Sutherland Springs, wherein the mass shooter got taken down by an NRA-instructor. But facts schmacks.
“The NRA is terroristy” is a running theme for this post. Like how every Sci-Fi movie about artificial intelligence includes a lecture about humanity’s continued spiral into suck. Maybe our robotic betters are referring to these morons:
My armed guards aren’t killing children and don’t have semi automatic weapons.
— Chelsea Handler (@chelseahandler) March 28, 2018
Chelsea Handler races toward the cornucopia of silly thoughts by admitting her armed guards carry single-action revolvers. Which are basically the only handguns which aren’t semi-automatic, or do not act as semi-automatics. Basically Chelsea lives in Westworld. Or some kind of fantasy.
— Morgan J. Freeman (@mjfree) April 3, 2018
Narrator using the OTHER Morgan Freeman’s voice: No they’re not but let’s keep saying it like some kind of drone with a god-complex because he shares the name with a guy who played God opposite Jim Carrey. That’s not the way the cookie crumbles.
Amy Schumer obviously makes the cut. She re-shared an image made of text, you guys. So you know she’s super serious. Plus it’s been a while since we checked in with Amy.
Donald trump is killing this country. Some of it quickly, some slowly, but he spoils and destroys everything he touches. He emboldens monsters, wielding guns, governmental power, or just smug doublespeak. Or Russia. My hate and sadness are exhausting. Die, Don. Just quietly die.
— Joss Whedon (@joss) April 4, 2018
I included Joss’s tweet because he’s a known sexist, misogynistic tool hiding behind Buffy the Vampire Slayer‘s continued cult following to get away with treating women like poop. But right, Donald Trump is killing the country.
Plus he mentioned guns.
Finally before I announce the winner, Anne Hathaway, who bothered with an image on her Instagram, which wasn’t necessarily all wrong, but she tags Everytown for credit. Who wants to bet Anne’s pad is protected with armed security? Armed with more than just single-action revolvers and insider trading.
The winner is a tie between Alyssa Milano, for going full racist, and Cher for… well, you’ll see.
— Alyssa Milano (@Alyssa_Milano) April 3, 2018
There it is again, the NRA is a terrorist organization. And if it were only run by “brown or black people” it wouldn’t be a terrorist organization. Funny, considering the NRA’s history. The one in which it was formed after the Civil War by Union soldiers. Also, Colion Noir, one of the NRA’s spokespeople, last I checked, was at least a few shades of dark white.
Then there’s Cher. Brace for impact.
Do you believe in life after acid trips?
But my main point is to thank all you twits. Every time you peck out your predictable “thoughts” on guns just like the silly tweets above, in efforts to demonize the NRA, people who love their guns, or to slowly chip at the Second Amendment’s support, you actually do the opposite.
That’s right, your fake tears better left for the Razzies actually help the NRA. Who’s membership and PAC had a blockbuster month in March. Which I can’t say for the Oscars or any of the films nominated for them. But that’s neither here nor there. Like the Oscar audience.
We also recently learned background checks, as in the thing you guys always say we need more of (but already have), skyrocketed as even more of the fine American people decided to add more weapons to their lives. Not unlike how you add weapons to your films. Rape to Hollywood’s studio offices. Too soon?
So please, keep talking. Whenever there’s some kind of gun-related tragedy, go forth and tweet. Instagram those hot gun memes. Stand in front of cameras and wipe back those crocodile tears. Demand we “do something” about guns. Call us uncaring kid-killers.
Every time an anti-gun celebrity sings, an AR-15 finds a new owner to which it clings.
~Written by Courtney Kirchoff