Chris Hemsworth. He’s proven, like Emma Stone, that looks aren’t everything. Perhaps he feels the need to overcompensate after being on the wrong side of history (see Actor Chris Hemsworth Wears Indian Costume. Tolerant Liberals SHAME Him and Chris Hemsworth Tells Funny Story About his Daughter. Transgenders Attack). Or maybe he’s just a colossal dumbass and can’t stop the stupid from spilling out of his Australian clap trap. Because he upped the stupid ante by saying “it’s time” for a lady to play James Bond.
Though Daniel Craig is reportedly returning to play James Bond for the fifth time, Chris Hemsworth says he knows who should take over the iconic role once the British actor finishes that martini: Charlize Theron.
Hard stop. James Bond was written as a man. James Bond is a man. Charlize Theron is a woman. Ergo Charlize Theron, a woman, should not take on a character who is a man. Just as Chris Hemsworth, a man, should not take on the role of a woman. Like, say, Lara Croft Tomb Raider. Or Amelia Bedelia.
Why is this hard? But wait, there’s more stupidity. Take both hands, clutch your posterior.
“She embodies every ounce of strength and nobility and dignity and integrity that that character should have,” Hemsworth told W magazine during an interview about Theron’s latest film, “Atomic Blonde.”
Oh dear. Charlize Theron might be one hell of a woman, but James Bond is a dick. He’s a whore, a drunk, an egotistical creep who would be riddled with AIDS and eaten by sharks several times over by now if he were a real person. So let’s dial down the nobility talk and call a slut a slut.
“She’s smart as hell. She’s physically able. Ya know watching her in those fight scenes, doing it in high heels by the way and 8-foot long gown [in ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’], was even more impressive,” Hemsworth said. “And I just think why not? It’s time.”
Again, this isn’t about Charlize Theron. She might be one hell of a lady. Maybe she can do awesome things in stiletto heels. Good for her. But James Bond is a man. A sleazy man, but still a man possessed with testosterone. Charlize Theron is a lady, lacking all that testosterone. I don’t care if she sprints like Usain Bolt in her stilettos. She’s a lady. Ladies are not men, ladies do not have the physical strength of men. Men are not ladies, men do not have the estrogen powers of ladies. Gee wiz, Batman, it feels like I’ve said that a few times already.
Just as we would laugh at the idea of someone like Chris Hemsworth playing Lara Croft, so should we laugh at Charlize Theron playing James Bond. That is until Chris Hemsworth is ready to take on the role of Nancy Drew. I bet he fills out a sweater vest real nice.
Charlize Theron has been acting since That Thing You Do! in 1996. She’s a talented gal. If anyone in Hollywood thought she could carry her own franchise, they’d give her one. And if someone decides Charlize needs her own franchise, I have an idea: create a franchise for Charlize. Do not appropriate a franchise started by Sean Connery. Leave slutty James Bond to the men who want to slut it up with the ladies.
And no, I won’t apologize for calling James Bond a slut. He is one.
Lastly, suggesting women should just take on roles men have been playing for decades is condescending. What Chrisykins might as well have said is “It’s time to just give women male actor’s sloppy seconds.” Then dumbass feminists, who couldn’t make it in the real world of actually having to accomplish things to earn actual money, applaud Chris and the idea that women are incompetent wart pads who need a leg up from men. That’s modern feminism for you.