Usually when we write about hoaxes, it includes gay cakes or fake rapes. But especially lots of gayness. Don’t ask me why. So this straight, cis-gendered woman’s fake story about her date assaulting her adds some nice variety to our collection. #Diversity

The lady says she went on a date with a chap who ended up knocking her around a little… Because she wouldn’t let him come inside her house for a nightcap, or something. Apparently she’s more of a third date kind of gal. So he slapped her silly and she went to the police afterwards. Simple enough. The problem? No broad beating actually took place. In fact, the whole “date” thing wasn’t really technically a date, but more of a big fat lie. Oops.

Police discovered that a Keene woman had lied about being assaulted, even going as far as applying makeup to appear as bruise marks on her fake. Emily Elliot, also known as Emily Glover, went to police on Aug. 2 to report an assault that allegedly happened after a date.

Elliot claimed that after their date she did not let him in her home, so the man beat her face and body. She even published photos to her Facebook page of the alleged injuries.

Once an investigation began for this alleged assault, [police] discovered that the man had an alibi for the time and date of the assault – he was at work, which others attested to. The investigating officer suspected the bruises were created using makeup. Subsequently a doctor… found the the bruising inconsistent with the account.

Elliot was then arrested and charged with one count of false report to law enforcement.

Turns out police can tell the difference between real bruises and fake boo boos made with eye shadow from a Smokey Eye Urban Decay palette. Shockingly unshocking, right? Didn’t stop the little liar from trying though.

Needless to say, the gal was arrested. Because RAPE CULTURE! Kidding. Apparently lying to the police is a big no no. Sort of like pointing a gun at them. I know, I know, so many rules to keep track of, yet so little reasoning skills. So here, have a protip: when faking a rape/assault story, don’t go to the police. They tend to figure out the truth, since it’s their job and all. Hence why Amy Schumer says rape victims shouldn’t go to the cops. Perhaps she should have considered hiring a professional, like Lena Dunham. It seems to know what it’s doing when it comes to faking stories (see Lena Dunham FLAT OUT FAKES “Rape” Story).

A learning experience for this (probably) feminist, but a potentially life-ruining moment for the accused dude. Crisis averted, thanks to the coppers. Curiously we’ve seen more of these fake stories since “rape culture” became a thing. I’m sensing a wee bit of a connection…

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