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September 06, 2018
Who Authored the New York Times Resistance OpEd? Our Top Ten Suspects.
Yesterday The New York Times published an OpEd from a supposed Trump insider who promised America he/she and a cadre of secret resisters were doing whatever they could to "frustrate" the Trump agenda. The author was kept anonymous mostly because leftist media hates Trump and protects their sources when the source is criticizing Trump. But you and I both know had this OpEd been critical of Hillary, the author would've been doxxed. Forced to move into a shack somewhere on the Island of Guam. But that's neither here nor there. There's been much speculation about who the real author of this ballyhooed piece is.
We have some theories.
Mike Pence - Since taking the official office of "Waiting for the president to croak," Mike Pence has been relegated to the side table, where he only dines with his wife. Tired of being number two, despite being far better looking and with the voice over capabilities rivaled only by Darth Vader, Mike Pence finally made his initial move to steal the presidency.
Ben Shapiro - Our favorite little Jewish hobbit has had it out for The Donald since Hillary lost the one ring to rule them all. Sure, Shapiro has launched his own line of products, starting with a tumbler crafted from finest samplings of Gandalf's poop. But make no mistake. Little Bilbo Shapiro wants to punch kick Trump into the fires of Mordor.
Heidi Cruz - It's a hard knock life being married to the son of Kennedy's assassin. Who may also be the Zodiac Killer. Lyin' Ted's better half finally snapped, though, when Donald Trump insinuated she was fugly. So Heidi laid in wait, readying herself for the right moment to pounce on the man who stole the presidency from Grayson Allen.
Asia Argento - We're not sure how Asia snuck her way into the White House, but I think maybe she gave Barron Trump a lollipop. I'll let you guess what shape the lollipop took. Asia's grand plans were foiled after Melania caught Asia sending Barron thirst tweets. Thus banishing her from the White House. Angered, Asia Argento contacted The New York Times to dish out the goods. Rumor has it should Asia's true identity be revealed, she'll pin the blame on Robin Williams.
Apu fromThe Simpsons- Who knows what this shifty little Indian sketch has been doing of late. All I know is, he's tired of be a stereotypical Indian cartoon with a stereotypical accent. When Ryan Reynolds denied him a walk-on-role in Deadpool 2 for being too obviously Indian, Apu broke all his sharpened pencils. He snuck into the White House and has been there ever since. His motive is naan of your business.
Thanos - When Donald Trump mocked Kim Jong Un about who had the bigger nuke buttons, Thanos snapped.
MARTHA! - Sick of being a punchline for frustrated, mostly Marvel fanboys, MARTHA! infiltrated the Trump White House, disguising herself with only black glasses. Plot twist this: The only person who needs saving now is DONALD! Blast your way through this house at the very last second as a dirty man with greasy long hair has a gun to your head, because you spent far too long playing kryptonite gas games with Clarky-poo, Batman. We dare you.
Kevin Spacey- The man who played President Frank Underwood was determined to be remembered as more than just a diddler of small boys, so he delivered a real FU. I think he made his way into the White House as an unassuming gimp. And after studying the wall behind Trump, finally got his revenge. According to my inside sources, Spacey sent Trump a cutout of the New York Times article in an unassuming, but bloodied box.
Porg #3 from Star Wars: The Last Jedi - Just look at this face. Pure guilt.
Who do you think wrote the OpEd? Tweet me!