Plot twist, my fellow caffeinated lovelies. Usually when we opine about Starbucks, it’s to comment on their overpriced/under quality coffee served with two pumps of social justice (see Starbucks’ Popularity and Sales Tank After Refugee Employment Pledge and Hilarious SNL Sketch Parodies Starbucks Failed #RaceTogether Campaign). Today we bring the full video of a criminal dumbass getting smacked about with a chair. Leave room for cheers.
The story broke over the weekend, but the unedited security video was recently released. Enjoy with two pumps of that “low fat” syrup concocted in a lab.
A man walked into a Starbucks store last Thursday wearing a Transformers mask and carrying a replica handgun. He then demanded the cashier to give him money.
Wait… a Transformers mask? Today just got seven times better.
Obviously someone didn’t think this heist through. Like “Thou shalt not turn thy back on the door where all the people come in, sometimes the police, and sometimes a caffeine-deprived curmudgeon who’s prepared to open a can of whoop-ass on your nerdy face.”
When the cashier seemed hesitant, surveillance video shows the man pulling out a large knife.
That’s when 58-year-old Cregg Jerri grabbed a chair and hit the robber from behind twice.
The suspect turned his knife on Jerri, but Jerri overpowered him and managed to stab him several times.
Another Starbucks customer didn’t seem to notice all of the commotion and kept cleaning tables.
The robber ran away, but police caught him a short time later and took him to a hospital.
Mr. Jerri, you sir are an American hero. We salute you.
May Starbucks award him all the free venti half-calf decaf soy latte with two pumps of sugar free vanilla. Or at least a Nespresso machine, or whatever Buckstars is selling now.
This man saw something awful going down and rather than take out his phone to document it like some Millennial snowflake, he pulled up a chair. Beat a dumbass with it. Transformer mask be damned, little Bumblebee. Our hero dashed into the fray with coffee beans and testicles to grind. Hoorah, good sir. You da man.
Some leftist squish bellies are going to lament, uttering such silliness as “intervening was totes dangerous, OMG!” I invite those ninnies to pour a tall Pike on their faces. Lather, rinse, repeat with a grande.
This is how a real man acts. Unlike, well, you know…