She tried to get you to exercise. But you didn't listen. Why? Because you're a horrible person. Look at you, sitting as you read this. She's probably working on her horseshoe triceps. So, now, as punishment for your sitting and reading, you must eat your vegetables. EAT THEM! EAT THEM ALL!!! You fat loser.

Yes, First Lady Michelle Obama is back, and this time she has broccoli. But no butter. Why would you think she'd have anything that made the message taste better? Have you learned nothing? Right, so no butter or cheese or sour cream. Let's move on. There's no dancing with Ellen this round, just a bordering-on-profanity-laced sketch with Jimmy Kimmel that's almost funny. Almost. But it's not. It's mostly sad. Sad in the lowering your eyes, head shaking kind of way. If you're brave, here it is:

I'm kinda fond of the plastic looking fruit and vegetable platter being used in this promo video. Especially since, like, the idea is to get you and your children to stop eating plastic things! Because you know, plastic contains BPA. BPA's are xenoestrogens, xenoestrogens can mimic estrogen in the body. Excess estrogen is unhealthy. Unless you're directly injecting estrogen as part of your gender-transformation project, then we all turn a blind eye and claim that there are no long-term studies yet. Because, tolerance.

Besides that, I just never knew Michelle Obama was a nutritionist. Must have missed that press release. Not only the best gym teacher and school lunch lady you've ever had, but now... your nutritionist. She never ceases to amaze.

No. Stop that. She's not. Michelle Obama is about as qualified to tell you how to eat as I am. I, too, can make a video and tell you that you must eat your veggies. Or I could make video and tell you that you should eat more red meat. What would make me qualified to tell you these are the best decisions for your nutriotional life? Nothing. Except that Michelle Obama's doing it and it's likely costing you billions of dollars. Hurray, America.

And yes, if the hobo in the street tells you that you should eat more McDonald's - you should listen to him. Because all anyone needs to be a nutritionist is an opinion and a camera.

And billions of tax-payer dollars. That's kind of key.